I'm going to borrow a phrase from Oprah and tell you one thing I know for sure:
Our kids do better in those really sticky situations when they’ve had some time to think about how they might respond before they face that challenge.
When they have time to process a potential struggle before it smacks them in the face, they react in a way that is less impulsive, and they make better choices. The biggest challenge is knowing what challenges are ahead.
That's where you come in.
You have to get real about the stuff they may encounter.
It may not sound like rocket science, but it really is proven brain science (and it’s great parenting advice).
As a physician, it’s the reason I take extra time with every adolescent patient to mention things they are likely to encounter and ask them to consider how they would handle it – whether it’s side effects from a medication or someone handing them a vape.
Why?
Despite its reputation for drama and impulsivity, the adolescent brain is a remarkable organ. When you present an adolescent with a challenging scenario, [not to scare you, but think vaping, sexting, porn, shoplifting, alcohol, even making mean comments on social media] they are very skilled at creative problem solving – as long as they’re in a calm setting. However, when emotions or peer pressures are high, their critical thinking skills tank. They desperately need opportunities to practice engaging their brain when they're calm.
Your Job
So, as the adult, you don’t need to give them solutions. In fact, it's better if you don't. Just have a calm conversation about a challenge that might come up for them. Set the scene. Make it sound realistic. Let your child come up with the solutions – and just listen. Stay curious by asking “what then?” questions, but resist the urge to problem-solve for them.
They’ll be more prepared for performing in a pickle and their solutions will stick. When they think it up, they remember it better than remembering what you told them to do.
And don't worry that talking about scary behaviors will give them new ideas to go out and try— that's not how it works. There's research evidence to prove that talking about sex or substances with your kids does NOT make them go out and try it.
If you need a softer start
If the tougher topics seem too daunting for now, you can start with other really easy stuff – like, “What will you do when you get your first period?” Or, “What would you do if you started your period at school and didn’t have any period products?” Or, “What can you say when you hear one of your friends talking mean about someone?”
Just start somewhere
More processing.
Less anxiety and drama.
I promise, it works.
Speaking of an easy topic like periods…if you’re wondering if her first period is close – we can help you with that in this tip “How to predict her first period.” And then if its close – don’t forget our 30- page free ebook for her – it covers ALL THE THINGS she needs to know when she starts her period. It's called, You Got IT, and it's available to all members.
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