If you haven’t told your child about sex by 4th grade, I hope you’ll read this. 

Every year, I seem to get at least one phone call from a panic-stricken mom with a child in the third or fourth grade. It usually goes something like this (in a flustered whisper)…

“Help!! My precious, innocent little [insert child’s name] just came home from school and told me that one of her friends told her what sex is. She wanted to know how I could let her daddy do that to me. 

When I asked her to share what she learned, her description included words like ‘under the sheets,’ ‘wiggling,’ and ‘poking.’ She seems upset and scared. Now what do I do?!?!”

That’s the reality with late elementary age children. There will always be some kids in the class that have older siblings who have shared “the big secret” about sex. Or perhaps there’s a precocious child who has developed his or her own definition based on unsupervised time with the media. 

No matter the source, most of the time, what’s being shared among elementary school friends about that mysterious word is shaded with a “naughty” flavor that makes the whole story seem dirty and awful. 

And that’s the start of many myths that circulate throughout the years to come.

How do we protect our young children from the scary and negative messages about sex? 

We have to get to them first!

Really. YOU need to be her “informant.”

If you can turn the “sex” talk into a special event with your child, you can keep the message accurate, simple, positive, and full of the miraculous wonder that reproduction really does hold. And there’s no better age than 8 or 9 for this message. Any older, and it’s super likely they have already heard “stuff” and find the whole topic gross and embarrassing. 

But at 8 or 9, your child is more full of wonder than attitude, and that’s the perfect time to strike.

Before I move on with tips for this talk, there is one disclaimer:

Do not believe for a minute that having “THE TALK” as a single conversation is sufficient.

When it comes to sexuality education, there is no such thing as one or two “talks.” If you’ve explored the Girlology app, you already know that. But we do recognize that lots of parents have the most trouble with that one conversation where intercourse is accurately defined. So, these tips are for that conversation. 

Here are the Girlology tips for having “the sex talk” with your elementary aged child:

• Treat it as a very special “big mystery to life” that you will reveal on a special day, maybe on a birthday or a special trip. Talk it up beforehand so there is some excitement in the air.

• Make it a special discussion, not one that you have when you’re trying to do other things. Set aside some time and quiet place that is free from interruptions.

• Start with eggs, sperm and fertilization. Then, proceed through fetal development and birth. Use pictures to show the sperm, egg, fetus and maybe even of a birth. Animal births are also a great example. 

• End with intercourse…that’s the big mystery. You could ask, “How do you think the sperm and the egg find each other?” When you tell your child how the sperm gets in the woman’s body, you will probably get a crinkled nose or an ewww. That’s ok. Keep it short and simple, because they will be ready to stop talking about it at that point.

• If that seems a bit overwhelming, just watch our class, The Science of Reproduction with your child – – it’s exactly how we present it. 

• Answer all their questions! They come up with some great ones! Keep your sense of humor, and if you don’t know an answer, that’s ok. Try to find it out and get back to them.

• Be sure to remind them it’s not their place to share the story with their friends. Other kids deserve to have their own parents involved in how and when they learn about it.

• Encourage your spouse or child’s other parent to tell your child that he/she knows about the discussion and is also happy to answer questions anytime.

• Check in again after a few days  to see if there are more questions. They need time to process the information and that often raises new questions.

The whole explanation only takes about 15-20 minutes. And that little bit of time can save you hours in backpedaling out of the mess that other kids can cause with their shared versions of the story. 

Once you make it special and keep it positive, your child will be armed with knowledge from a more accurate source than the kid on the playground. And when a kid starts telling the dirty version, yours will know the truth and start recognizing the inaccuracies and embellishments that come with playground chatter.

So take a deep breath and plan your special “big mystery of life” event.

You’ve got this!

Consider joining Girlology for the sex talk help, and stick around for the puberty and mental health help! We offer grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More Here.

 I meet a lot of parents through Girlology and in my own community who still assume their child’s school will teach them something about puberty and reproductive health. That’s a pretty normal expectation. In fact, according to Girlology’s recent research, over 50% of moms agreed that their friends primarily rely on schools for this type of education. 

Do YOU think that’s happening?

Honestly, in the U.S. sex education in schools is struggling big time. Teachers certainly want to do right by their students, but when it comes to sex education, there are too many hurdles and inconsistencies, including these:

Only 25 states in the U.S. even require sex + HIV education.* 

And only 18 of those require that it’s medically accurate.* 

Say what? 

Isn’t accuracy a thing in schools? 

And what about teacher certification? Nope. 

Although some school districts have health educators that are qualified and comfortable teaching sex ed, more often than not, this essential knowledge is delivered by reluctant and unsupported teachers who are basically handed the job whether they want it or not.

Here’s another thing: if they do teach about puberty, it’s commonly in 5th grade when more than half of girls are already developing and losing confidence.

If they teach reproduction, it’s typically in 7th grade, when every kid in the class has already heard (and many have seen) ALL THE THINGS that kids share about sex…mostly attached to dirty, shameful or naughty messages.

That’s not the way I wanted my daughters to learn about their amazing bodies, the miracle of reproduction, and even their early understanding of intimacy. 

You, too? 

Then when is the right time to start?
Well, as early as you can, but definitely now. 😬 It’s never too late.

As a parent, and as a physician, one of my big goals is to do better by young people by giving them accurate information and honest answers to their questions about their bodies, sex, and sexuality BEFORE they see it online or hear it from peers, siblings, crushes, or Tik Tok’s self-proclaimed “sexperts.”

One of my other big goals is to help parents tackle this task with more confidence. Sometimes that means breaking the ice and getting the talking started for them. 

I say “talking” because it’s not “A TALK,” it’s an ongoing conversation that is a lot easier to continue than it is to start. Age-appropriate education means introducing topics in simple ways, then layering details and complexities year after year as they mature. 

So if you’re wondering WHEN to start, check out this tip: When Should I Talk to My Kids About Sex?

And if you want help starting “the talking,” we’ve got your back with our on-demand class: The Science of Reproduction.

• We’ll say all the words, 
• provide the details, 
• dispel the myths,
• and leave you to share your own family values that only you know best. 

Give her a little time to process what she’s learned. Then, when she has questions, the class also includes a downloadable Q&A that can help you through the most common questions we get from kids. 

It’s a great way to start, and we’ll be here to help you keep it going through ALL the talking!

If you want to see all the content we offer on puberty and sex ed (we organize it in grade-level playlists for age-appropriate, year-after-year layering), download our free app, and take a look at our titles.

Once you become a member, you’ll have an all-access pass to the support you’ll need to help your child grow up confident and informed!

Get Girlology on google play or in the app store.

* Guttmacher Institute

Ready to become a Girlology member? Learn More HERE. 

Over the past 2 decades, kid’s exposure to porn has become so common, it is now considered a normative experience rather than an exception. And the content, which is freely and easily accessible from any smartphone, has become more and more explicit, violent, and honestly – weird. That’s how the porn industry keeps folks coming back for more.

For emerging adolescents with a healthy dose of curiosity – especially about sex (which is normal!), porn is a powerful magnet. Perhaps if we had reliable, comprehensive sexuality education in all schools, kids would be less likely to look to porn for their sex ed. Obviously, porn will not make them the “sexperts” they hope to be. Instead, it is having serious effects on the way young people explore and experience intimacy and sexual behaviors. But I digress… 

Research from the National Center for Sexual Exploitation tells us that 64% of kids age 13+ actively seek out porn at least weekly. But even if they’re not intentionally seeking it out, it’s so ubiquitous online that many land on it unintentionally. That’s why the average age of exposure to porn is 8-11. 

I know.
It can feel terrifying. 

But you know what we moms do every day?

We handle scary things.

Protecting our kids from the harms of porn is intimidating, but it’s necessary if we want our children to grow up feeling confident in advocating for their body, voicing both their desires and their boundaries, and prepared to explore their emerging sexuality at the right time and in healthy ways. That requires preparing them (ALL of them) for what they are likely to encounter online and helping them understand the differences between healthy sexuality and pornography.

To support our members’ requests for help with these conversations, we created a resource: 10 Conversations to Have with Your Kids about Porn. In it, we present the following conversation topics that can help every kid gain important insights and understanding as they explore their normal and healthy curiosities about sex. For each topic below, our downloadable resource offers sample scripts and specific suggestions for introducing and expanding on each topic. 

These ten conversations start with simple topics appropriate for any age and transition into more complex conversations that are more appropriate for older kids. 

• Curiosity is normal.
• Looking at it doesn’t make you a bad person.
• Once you see it, you can’t “unsee” it.
• When you saw it, how did it make you feel?
• Trying to hide it from me doesn’t help you.
• What can you say to remove yourself from watching it with friends?
• It’s not a “how to” lesson.
• Porn can affect how you feel about your body.
• Porn desensitizes you to violence.
• It can become addictive and affect your sexual function.

To get the full support of this 3 page downloadable resource, members can find it linked below this video, “5 Tips for Discussing Pornography with Kids.” We also offer a deeper discussion, “What Every Parent Needs to Know about Porn.” 

If you want your middle schooler to have a resource that addresses porn in an age-appropriate way, we cover it on our class, “Be You: Learning Self Care and Growing Self-Confidence.”

We’re here to help YOU be HER best guide – even through the tough stuff. If you’re not yet a member, we’d love to have you join our community. You can try it free for 7 days HERE.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists outlining on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

In Girlology, we’ve been “preaching” that eight is a great age to explain sex since before our own children were that age. You’d think that as our kids approached eight we might have changed our minds. But actually, Dr. Trish and I decided to practice what we preach (I’ll share those details in another blog soon).

But when I tell other parents eight is great. I get a deer-in-the-headlights stare accompanied by, “But they’re so innocent.” 

I know. 

Yet still, it’s a brilliant idea (it wasn’t our original idea, so I can say that without bragging 😉).

Here’s why…

Their innocence means they have no preconceived ideas about what you’re telling them:

• They’re not embarrassed 
• They haven’t associated sex with anything dirty or shameful (yet)
• They hear it with a sense of awe and wonder instead of attitude and embarrassment that comes with adolescence
• They receive powerful knowledge that protects them from abuse and gives them confidence that they know the truth when the playground chatter starts

And most of all, as their “informant,” you get to set the tone and establish yourself as their go-to expert.

THAT 👏🏽 IS 👏🏽 A 👏🏽 GIFT 👏🏽  that will reward you and them throughout the coming years.

How? Well, much of the shame and embarrassment that’s attached to our discussions about sex and sexuality stems from the way we were informed. 

If we heard about it from a friend in the school bathroom (like I did), or at a sports practice, a sleepover, or in the lunch line, it was likely shared among whispers, giggles, and side-eye glances that rendered it naughty. 

Even if we heard about it from a well-intentioned but uncomfortable and unprepared parent (or gym teacher), it probably felt weird and shameful.

But what if your child’s informant is a totally prepared and matter-of-fact YOU? That means you set the tone – no shame, just age-appropriate, honest, accurate information with some expectations and values tossed in for good measure. 

How do you get to that version of you?

We can help.

If you’re feeling a little hesitant or if you just want someone else to jumpstart the chat for you, There’s no shame in outsourcing some of the science and introductory information. Our on-demand Reproduction class was designed to give children (and parents) the science and medical essentials of sex and reproduction, but it also encourages you to continue the dialogue within the context of your own family values. 

Parents love that we explain everything in medically-accurate yet child-friendly language, and the content creates a strong foundation for those future conversations. 

And because ALL children have questions (really great questions!), we include a downloadable ebook to reinforce what your child learns and to provide our medically-based, mom-approved answers to the most common questions we get from 5th graders. You can watch the class sneak peek here. If you’re a devoted DIYer, we offer lots of other tips that can help prepare you to be the best guide for your children. 

Consider joining our community for the sex talk help, and stick around for the puberty and mental health help! We offer grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More Here.

P.S. Yes, eight is great, but nine is fine, ten is still a win…it’s NEVER too late to start!!