Those moods. As a parent, you watch them morph as your daughter cartwheels into adolescence and then slams the door in your face. 

Sometimes she’s her “usual” self. 😊 Sometimes she’s so …  👹 🐍 🥊 🎭 🛸 🗯 🤷🏾‍♀️.

There’s no doubt it worries you. We hear it all the time, “Is she just moody or could it be depression?”

YES to both. 

✅ Yes, she’s moody; bigger moods and rapid emotional surges 🎢 are a normal part of adolescent brain development (not just because of hormones!). I’ll be talking about that in an upcoming blog. She needs to learn how to manage her difficult emotions.

✅ Yes, it could be depression because after puberty, depression rates soar, especially for girls; we need to be vigilant and do what we can to prevent or help depression, right? 

Cue: Self Care. 

I’m not talking about cliche “treat yourself” indulgences.💅🏼🛍 True self care is taking the time to do the things that make us our best selves —  like human connections, healthy habits, taking time to reflect and plan. Self care is a powerful tool in managing moods, rising out of a mild depression, and maintaining health on a holistic level. 

In this tip Dr. Trish gives you 5 concrete and actionable ways to counter depression by guiding her toward self care. Nothing’s a quick fix, but establishing these habits can support her health long term. 

At the same time, understand the warning signs of depression because for some girls, there is no amount of self care that can prevent it or fix it.

So, back to the question all parents seem to ask at some point:

Is she just moody, or is she depressed?

Moody – grumpy, irritable, angry, crying, complaining – you know what “moody” looks like. A “depressed mood” can be part of that. If it’s normal adolescent moodiness, the “bad mood” doesn’t last long, and there are some “good moods” thrown in as well. If something fun comes along, she’s up for it. She’ll get up, get out, laugh, and participate in the stuff she usually likes to participate in. 

Depressed – can look a lot like moody, but it persists for more than a couple of weeks and begins to creep into other parts of her life to affect her sleep, activities, relationships, school work, energy level, and even her physical health. 

To add confusion, teens can be savvy about trying to get better on their own, so they may seek activities to “lift their mood.” That can look like spending more time with friends, thrill seeking, sexual behaviors, substance use. Contrary to the stereotype, a depressed teen isn’t always alone. Instead, she can actually look desperate for social connection and attention. For girls, in particular, they often seek other depressed peers and reinforce each other’s problems, sometimes intensifying the symptoms.

If your daughter is clearly having some normal adolescent moodiness, we feel you. We recommend you practice your deep breathing, calm responses, and maintaining your sense of humor. 

If you’re not sure her moods fall within the “normal” category, or if she has any other symptoms of depression, speak with her doctor or a counselor right away. 

There are many ways to successfully treat depression through talking therapy, medications, or both. With treatment, she can expect to feel better in a few weeks to months. Without treatment, depression is likely to worsen, last longer, and recur later in life. 

Remember that depression is a medical diagnosis that causes changes in the brain structure and chemistry. It is neither a weakness nor a parenting failure. 

Never ever hesitate to seek help.

 

 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

The self consciousness that arrives during puberty for almost every girl isn’t just related to her changing body. Her changing brain heightens her awareness of how others perceive her. Are they judging her? Most likely, she thinks they are, even when they’re not.

A friend recently shared with me that her daughter was struggling with a school assignment, and when mom suggested she ask a classmate or talk with her teacher, she had a list of excuses —

• She didn’t want to bother anyone.
• She didn’t want to look stupid
• She didn’t want them to think she wasn’t paying attention when the assignment was discussed.
• She was worried she would feel judged and ultimately embarrassed.

 

Why is asking for help so hard? 

We’ve had to address this same struggle in our own home, and one thing I shared with my daughter that seemed to resonate was this: 

 

It’s important to remember that asking someone else to help you, doesn’t make them judge you; it makes them care more about you. When they have personally invested their energy into helping you, they want to see you succeed and they are more likely to support you.

This is similar to something the business world calls the IKEA effect. Basically, people place a higher value on things they personally help create. It’s also likely they care more about people they personally help. Maybe this resonated for her because she and I recently assembled a pain-in-the-arse dresser from IKEA that we both excessively adore now.

If your daughter doesn’t fall for the business psychology explanation – maybe she’ll listen to the GOAT* – Simone Biles, *Greatest Of All Times gymnast who spoke to the national meeting of the American Academy of Pediatrics after withdrawing from the Olympic finals a couple years ago.

If anyone can relate to being fearful of judgment and humiliation, it’s Simone. But she has bravely asked for help on more than one occasion and learned to express her needs honestly.

 

She asked pediatricians to share this message with their patients:

“It’s scary speaking up at a younger age, but if you start telling your parent or peers what you are going through, they can understand and can get you help quicker so you won’t have to struggle alone… As humans , we don’t want to be a burden and want to figure it out on our own, but at the end of the day, sometimes it’s not possible and we have to ask for help, and that’s OK.”

 

How did it go when the GOAT asked for help?  

“…For my decision in Tokyo, I expected more backlash, but what I got was an overwhelming outpouring of support and love and understanding…”

And just look at where she is now. She got the help she needed, and has made an incredible comeback (if you haven’t seen – she’s crushing it in competition again)! 

So, if your child is resistant to speaking up or asking for help, it may be a temporary hiccup that resolves with a little pep talk and support. A bit of self-consciousness is a normal part of adolescent development that waxes and wanes in different situations.

However, if your child is not able to participate in her usual activities because of an outright fear of being judged or humiliated — she may have full blown social anxiety which definitely should activate a call to your pediatrician or a child & adolescent psychologist.

We have a lot more content on anxiety including a deeper discussion HERE that offers parenting tips to help her overcome social discomfort, and a tool HERE to help determine whether she has normal anxieties or may have an anxiety disorder.  

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Have you ever considered lowering expectations to avoid disappointment? 

Guilty. 🙋🏻‍♀️

I’ve not only thought it, I’m pretty sure I’ve said it out loud – to myself and to my children. 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

But what if I told you that when you expect the best outcome, it is scientifically more likely to happen. 

Not by coincidence, 🎲

but according to science backed by numerous well-designed research studies.🔬

 

The power of suggestion is a real phenomenon. 

 

Once we expect something to happen, our thoughts, behaviors, and responses actually work behind the scenes (i.e. in our sub-conscience) to make that thing happen. 

 

Think something is going to be painful? You will experience more pain. 

Think something is going to be difficult? You will make it more difficult for yourself.

Think you are going to excel at a task? You probably will.

Think you’re going to experience side effects of a medicine? You probably will, even if you’ve been given a placebo.

 

The brain is powerful beyond what we understand. 🧠

 

Recent research from the field of Psychology suggests this happens because of our “response expectancies.” Once we expect something, our subsequent thoughts and behaviors will actually help bring that outcome into being.

 It’s the power of positive thinking. Affirmations. Setting intentions. Metaphysics. We see it all over the self-help world because there’s really something to it.

To me, The most interesting thing out of this study also showed that it’s not just about SELF help. It’s also clear that the suggestions we communicate to others (openly or subconsciously) have a big impact. 

 

Do you expect her to be difficult? She’ll be more difficult. 😡

Do you expect her to be kind? Watch her kindness grow. 💗

Do you see her as capable? Watch her skills grow. 💪🏽

 

We all have to be mindful of what we suggest to and expect from our children. 

 

If we can get better at suggesting success and wellness and responsibility (and believing it ourselves), their thoughts, behaviors and outcomes will be more likely to follow that path.

 

Want a practical application? Flu shot season is approaching. Do you anticipate that she’ll feel ill after her flu shot? 😷🤒🤧

 If you do, watch this tip, and suggest to her that she will be just fine! 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Real quick – Tell me what word you would use to label this group of emotions:

happy, joyful, confident, excited, victorious 😁

Ok, how about these?

angry, jealous, sad, lonely, scared 😭

Did you use positive and negative? Good and bad? Healthy and unhealthy?

When I ask teen girls to label them, those are the most common words I hear.

It’s easy to see why the second group is considered negative or undesirable, but honestly, they’re ALL good because they’re all necessary. It’s just that some are a lot more comfortable than others.

If we want to help our daughters manage their emotional health, we have to help them get more comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. That means we probably have some work to do ourselves, because watching our daughters when they’re hurting brings out the “fixer” in most of us. 🙋🏻‍♀️

Instead of trying to “fix” her feelings or ignore them by suggesting ice cream and new clothes, try to allow her some space and time to sit with those uncomfortable feelings (this is hard work for her and for you!).

Remind yourself that her emotions are not caused by hormones (although hormones can magnify normal emotions), and her reactions are not “silly.” Instead, remember that her emotions are responses to things she has experienced – real or perceived, and she is learning how to process those things. That takes time.

Giving her some time doesn’t mean leaving her alone for days on end. But it does mean

• giving her some time alone if she wants it,
• sitting quietly with her if she doesn’t want to talk,
• listening without fixing when she’s ready to talk, and
• helping her think through ways to feel better when she’s ready.

Sometimes she’s with her feelings for 10 minutes or less, then on to her next activity as if her emotional explosion never happened. Other times, she may need you to offer an activity or distraction if she’s lingering too long (nobody should stay too late at a pity party). 

Ok, so here comes the take home: Let’s remind our girls (and ourselves) that some emotions are uncomfortable, but the more they learn to manage them in healthy ways (talking, journaling, processing), the stronger they become. That’s how resilience works, and it’s a powerful protector. We help girls build those skills in our class, Be You.  

One more thing… speaking of emotional health, when these uncomfortable emotions happen frequently over an extended period of time (weeks), it makes us worry that she may be headed toward depression. Learn more about prevention or early intervention for depression HERE.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

When things are unpredictable, it’s normal to feel anxious (hello new school year; hello puberty). 

When adults are anxious, kids absorb that anxiety and add it to their own, magnifying the impact. And when kids are anxious (like maybe now as they see the back to school supplies rolling out), it’s really common to see it in their behaviors: avoidance, meltdowns, overreactions, one-track-thinking.

As parents, it’s natural to want to “fix” everything, but it’s so much better if we teach our children healthy ways to manage those big emotions on their own. 

My favorite DIY tool for anxiety is a glitter jar. I promise, it can help anyone (including you), and there are several uses. Highly respected mental health and mindfulness experts endorse the glitter jar for a variety of uses: a daily mindfulness practice, increasing focus & mental clarity, or simply settling the mind when it’s overwhelmed with big emotions.

Our discussion with Dr. Lisa Damour explained best HOW and WHY it helps with anxiety and emotional meltdowns. You can check out that discussion HERE, so no need for me to repeat it, BUT I’m going to share with you how to make one (because I love anything crafty).

Remind your child that the glitter jar represents our mind when we’re calm compared to when we’re upset, angry or distracted. When the glitter is settled on the bottom, we can see clearly through the fluid just like when we’re focused and calm, our mind can think clearly.

Shaking the jar is like being upset or distracted – thoughts, like the glitter, are swirling and it’s hard to think clearly. So when your child is experiencing big emotions (or just needs to focus or relax) – have her shake the glitter jar, set it down, and watch it.

As the glitter settles, so will her mind and her emotions, allowing her to think and communicate more clearly.

It’s like magic.

Here’s what you’ll need to make one:

• Plastic water bottle or glass jar + lid (consider your child’s age and risk of breaking it)
• Clear School Glue
• Glitter + maybe some larger stars or other shaped sparkles
• Warm Water
• A funnel (you can make one out of paper) 
• Hot glue optional but recommended

 

Here’s how to make it:

1. Fill about ¼ of the bottle with glue (more glue = longer time for glitter to settle)
2. Add about 1-2 tablespoons of glitter (and a few larger sparkles if you want) using the funnel. 
3. Fill the rest of the bottle with warm water but leave a little room at the top.
4. Cap the bottle and shake it to see if you want to add more glue, more glitter, or just more water.
5. Once you have it right, fill the rest of the bottle, add a little hot glue or regular glue to the threads on the cap, and screw it on. 

I highly recommend everyone in your family makes their own (just be prepared to practice your own deep breathing or mindfulness as they scatter glitter in the process). 🧘🏽‍♀️

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More