Recently, I invited some girlfriends from college and my young adult years to soak in a lake and the comfort, laughter, and nostalgia of deep-rooted friendships. These are friends I don’t see enough, but we know each others’ histories so well, we always pick up where we left off. They’re also friends who show up with open hearts, no judgment, the perfect playlist, and wine!

As we caught up on the usual topics (with an extra dose of aging parent challenges and teen drama this year) each of us, in one way or another, mentioned our hopes that our own children will experience friendships like ours to carry them through their own adulting.

I especially thought of my youngest who was in the middle of that awful stage when friend groups begin to shift and some girls choose exclusion over inclusion, and indifferent over kind.

Remember that? Ugh. 🙄

What’s ironic about my girls trip is that I kept hearing that voice in my head reeling off the tips in our Friendship Matters Class and Workbook. I was trying to get away from work for a few days, but it kept creeping in!

Then it dawned on me. 💡

I was actually SEEING the tips put to use as I spent time with these friends.  

In fact, the class and ebook we created for 5th and 6th graders was actually helping ME be a more engaged and attentive friend. 

Although our class also covers things like bullies and crushes, it begins with some essentials for any true friendship. We call them our Friendship F.A.C.T.s, and I think everyone can benefit from remembering them.

To help your daughter understand the essentials of any relationship, help her learn and practice these things:

Feedback: giving feedback that can communicate feelings and needs, as well as receiving feedback with an attitude of learning and growing

Attention: learning to show her interest through her actions, comments, and body language

Cheering: showing support for her friends through thoughtful and encouraging comments

Time: helping her understand that spending time with friends is the best way to strengthen relationships and have more things to talk about

I know it sounds cheesy, but I believe my girls’ trip was more meaningful because I got a refresher on Friendship Matters. (Thankfully, I didn’t have to use any of our tips on bullies or bystander issues!) 

• My feedback was better. 
• My focus was more intentional.
• I had better ways to express my own needs.
• I dove into the activities with greater enthusiasm.

I came home even more excited to remind our members about this class because I realized it’s NOT just for tween girls (well, it IS, but it’s also good for anyone). 

The tips and skills are of universal importance, but they don’t come naturally. 

I hope you’ll watch it with your daughter, download the workbook, and use it as a refresher in your own life because friendships thrive when we’re more intentional, and friendships matter, right? 

Consider joining Girlology for friendship help, and stick around for guidance on puberty, periods, mental health, skin care, body image and more! We offer grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others. Learn More Here.

If you haven’t told your child about sex by 4th grade, I hope you’ll read this. 

Every year, I seem to get at least one phone call from a panic-stricken mom with a child in the third or fourth grade. It usually goes something like this (in a flustered whisper)…

“Help!! My precious, innocent little [insert child’s name] just came home from school and told me that one of her friends told her what sex is. She wanted to know how I could let her daddy do that to me. 

When I asked her to share what she learned, her description included words like ‘under the sheets,’ ‘wiggling,’ and ‘poking.’ She seems upset and scared. Now what do I do?!?!”

That’s the reality with late elementary age children. There will always be some kids in the class that have older siblings who have shared “the big secret” about sex. Or perhaps there’s a precocious child who has developed his or her own definition based on unsupervised time with the media. 

No matter the source, most of the time, what’s being shared among elementary school friends about that mysterious word is shaded with a “naughty” flavor that makes the whole story seem dirty and awful. 

And that’s the start of many myths that circulate throughout the years to come.

How do we protect our young children from the scary and negative messages about sex? 

We have to get to them first!

Really. YOU need to be her “informant.”

If you can turn the “sex” talk into a special event with your child, you can keep the message accurate, simple, positive, and full of the miraculous wonder that reproduction really does hold. And there’s no better age than 8 or 9 for this message. Any older, and it’s super likely they have already heard “stuff” and find the whole topic gross and embarrassing. 

But at 8 or 9, your child is more full of wonder than attitude, and that’s the perfect time to strike.

Before I move on with tips for this talk, there is one disclaimer:

Do not believe for a minute that having “THE TALK” as a single conversation is sufficient.

When it comes to sexuality education, there is no such thing as one or two “talks.” If you’ve explored the Girlology app, you already know that. But we do recognize that lots of parents have the most trouble with that one conversation where intercourse is accurately defined. So, these tips are for that conversation. 

Here are the Girlology tips for having “the sex talk” with your elementary aged child:

• Treat it as a very special “big mystery to life” that you will reveal on a special day, maybe on a birthday or a special trip. Talk it up beforehand so there is some excitement in the air.

• Make it a special discussion, not one that you have when you’re trying to do other things. Set aside some time and quiet place that is free from interruptions.

• Start with eggs, sperm and fertilization. Then, proceed through fetal development and birth. Use pictures to show the sperm, egg, fetus and maybe even of a birth. Animal births are also a great example. 

• End with intercourse…that’s the big mystery. You could ask, “How do you think the sperm and the egg find each other?” When you tell your child how the sperm gets in the woman’s body, you will probably get a crinkled nose or an ewww. That’s ok. Keep it short and simple, because they will be ready to stop talking about it at that point.

• If that seems a bit overwhelming, just watch our class, The Science of Reproduction with your child – – it’s exactly how we present it. 

• Answer all their questions! They come up with some great ones! Keep your sense of humor, and if you don’t know an answer, that’s ok. Try to find it out and get back to them.

• Be sure to remind them it’s not their place to share the story with their friends. Other kids deserve to have their own parents involved in how and when they learn about it.

• Encourage your spouse or child’s other parent to tell your child that he/she knows about the discussion and is also happy to answer questions anytime.

• Check in again after a few days  to see if there are more questions. They need time to process the information and that often raises new questions.

The whole explanation only takes about 15-20 minutes. And that little bit of time can save you hours in backpedaling out of the mess that other kids can cause with their shared versions of the story. 

Once you make it special and keep it positive, your child will be armed with knowledge from a more accurate source than the kid on the playground. And when a kid starts telling the dirty version, yours will know the truth and start recognizing the inaccuracies and embellishments that come with playground chatter.

So take a deep breath and plan your special “big mystery of life” event.

You’ve got this!

Consider joining Girlology for the sex talk help, and stick around for the puberty and mental health help! We offer grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More Here.

It’s normal to feel anxiety rising when you look at your daughter and realize she’s moving quickly through childhood toward puberty. Maybe one of her friends is developing, or maybe she tosses out some attitude that feels unfamiliar and prickly. Or maybe, she just put on her bathing suit for the first time this year and omg, what has been going on under those bulky winter clothes? 

There’s no reason to panic, but there are lots of good reasons to prepare – yourself first, THEN, your girl.

Part of helping our daughters navigate puberty and adolescence with confidence and knowledge is to do our own work. Here’s the assignment:

1. Shift parenting gears. 

Parenting toddlers and young children requires a lot of physical stamina. It can be exhausting to constantly scan the physical environment for hazards, keep her entertained with developmentally-beneficial  activities, schedule and supervise playdates, answer all her questions. As you shift toward parenting pre-teens and teens, it’s physically easier, but requires a ton more mental energy. Instead of watching HER every move, you have to start watching YOUR OWN thoughts, judgments, and responses, all while encouraging her to be more independent, advocate for her needs, learn from her mistakes, and think about her future. The most useful skills for parenting tweens and teens become staying calm, responding with curiosity instead of judgment, modeling healthy relationships, and being generous with opportunities to problem solve instead of doing all the problem solving for her.  

 

2. Prepare her without overwhelming her.

You’ve spent her whole life preparing her for what’s ahead, whether it was her her first day of school or her daily routine to get ready for bed. You know she does better when she knows what to expect and hears your reassurances that make it less scary or overwhelming. She needs the same things as she heads into puberty. What’s next for her body? When will it happen? How can she care for it? What can she do to manage her big feelings?  Believe it or not, preparing her for puberty and adolescence is no different than preparing her for anything else in her life, and you’re the best one to help her feel ready.

 

3. Learn strategies that support and nurture the ever-changing emotional and mental health landscape of a budding adolescent.

Every generation of adolescents has faced trends and cultural influences that threaten their mental health. Today, those challenges are bigger than ever as evidenced by the current mental health crisis among teens – girls especially. Parenting through puberty is tough, but it’s best when YOU feel supported with accessible, relatable resources and expert guides. If we want to shift the current tide of declining mental health among girls, we have to focus on prevention. Since over half of all mental health disorders among adults begin by age 14, puberty is the perfect time for our preventative efforts.

Great. but HOW do you DO all of that?

It depends on where this journey is starting for you (and her).

If you’re here early in the game, my best advice is download our free ebook, Be Her Best Guide (a Pre-Puberty Guide for Proactive Parents). It will start you on the right path with preparation tips, facts, how-to advice, and answers to common questions.  

If puberty is already underway in your home, then I invite you to join our community to check out our other content. We offer hundreds of tips & discussions for parents and engaging classes for girls through every age and stage of puberty and adolescence; and I promise, you’re not too late to start. 

We know it takes a village, and as physicians dedicated to girls’ health and wellness, and moms of daughters, our passion is to empower girls and the people who care for them with accurate and helpful health & wellness information that helps grow their confidence.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Over the years, I have explained the science of reproduction and sexual intercourse to thousands & thousands of young people and their parents. I’ve heard all the questions. I’ve alleviated a lot of anxiety. I’ve eliminated a ton of confusion and reduced awkwardness. But when it came time to share the magical “secret to life” with my own kids…well, let’s just say I’m always learning. 

I shared the information with each of my children in the same way I always have: started with eggs and the flowy landscape of the female reproductive tract, shared pictures of the male body and those cool little sperm, fascinated them with fertilization, fetal development, and birth. Then finally I came back around to exactly how the sperm gets to the egg, and emphasized that all of it depends on consent, trust, and comfort in mature adult relationships. 

So here’s how it went at my house (I had this chat with each of them at age 8– I know, but I explain that HERE):

My oldest (my little scientist) had tons of technical questions like, “How do the sperm know which tube the egg is in?” “What happens to the sperm that don’t get to fertilize the egg?” and “Does sex help with arthritis?” (that’s another story for another time…)

My middle daughter (my creative) replied “ewwww” and asked if she ever had to “do that.” She was relieved to know it would always be up to her, and with that answer, she drifted off to sleep. 

My youngest (my social one) asked no questions. HOWEVER, the next day, she proceeded to educate her entire friend group (even though I told her this was not something to share with her friends). 😅😱 Fortunately, only one mom required a bit of damage control… the others seized the opportunity to have their own talks. Two of them even complimented me on how well my youngest had shared the facts, which is not what usually happens when peers share this type of information (so maybe I was a little proud 😏).

Lesson 1:

Don’t overthink your preparation! You’ll never predict what they’ll ask or how they’ll respond!

Lesson 2:

Each child will respond differently, so don’t get too complacent – just consider it a great way to stay fresh and nimble in your parenting game. 

Lesson 3: 

Watch out for those youngest children, they have a mind of their own and are wise & confident well beyond their years.

Lesson 4 (learned in retrospect)

Talking with your children early and often about their bodies and being an “askable” parent who is open to talking about sex creates comfort and ease that encourages them (and often their friends) to come to you for advice or accurate answers – about a LOT of stuff! As their trusted go-to, YOU get to hear more about their lives and support them as they make choices (both good and not-so-good) and ultimately develop the skills to live out their values.

 

No matter how old your child is – it’s a great time to start some of these conversations. Join our community and get all the help you need. 

If you need to start with something simple, like anatomy, here’s a great place to start.

If you want to talk about puberty first, go here.

And if you’re ready to explain sex, we’d love to help with THIS class. 

Just get started, and keep talking! We’re here to support you through every age and stage.  

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More HERE.