During the three to five years that it takes for a girl to get through puberty, there’s a LOT of stuff going on. Some of the changes can be exciting, but many create anxiety. Girls worry most about whether their body is changing in a normal way. They worry if they are first to develop; they worry if they are developing later than all of their friends. And when bodies are changing and doing new things that they don’t understand, they worry that something is wrong.

When girls understand what’s normal and expected, they face the changes with greater confidence and less anxiety. After two decades of leading girls’ puberty eduction programs and receiving thousands of questions through our website, we know what girls (and their moms) worry about the most. Below, we present five things that your daughter needs to know about puberty before it happens (so she won’t worry!).

Breast buds are not cancer.

The first sign of breast development is a firm knot under the areola, called a breast bud. Often, one side “buds” first, then the other bud shows up weeks or months later. Breast cancer awareness has made such great strides that even little girls know that lumps in the breast are concerning. Many young girls have had family members with breast cancer, and they worry that their own breast bud is also cancer. Girls (and moms) need to understand that the tender knots that happen under the areola between the ages of 7 and 12 are not cancer, but are caused by normal breast development and will disappear in time. For help with breast concerns, go HERE.

Vaginal discharge is normal.

Women don’t typically talk about vaginal discharge during every day conversations, so many girls have never heard of it. When girls start to notice a new wetness or “crust” in their underwear, many have no idea what it is or if it’s normal. There are a few things that they need to know about discharge: it begins soon after breasts begin to develop; it is the way the vagina cleans itself; and it’s something that all girls and women have (even though they don’t usually talk about it!). In early puberty, vaginal discharge can be irritating to the sensitive vulvar skin (until the hair fills in and helps keep the discharge off of the skin), so knowing how to manage it is helpful, too (we cover that in our Puberty class available to subscribers).

Nobody can tell you’re on your period unless you tell them.

Do you remember thinking that people could see your bulky pad through your clothes? Did you ever believe that others could tell you were having your period by the way you looked, smelled or acted? Girls today still worry about these things, but they’re simply not true. Young girls want reassurance that others cannot tell when they are having their period. As they mature and get used to menstruation, however, we hope that they will have the confidence to not care if others know they are having a period, because periods are NORMAL! Make sure she’s prepared and confident with this class.

Emotions come from experiences, not hormones.

Adults may need this lesson more than girls, but everyone should understand that emotions are not caused by hormones. Emotions are reactions to things that people experience and feel. Sure, hormonal changes can make emotional reactions bigger, but as girls enter puberty, help them get in the habit of naming their emotions and identifying what triggers them. This is a valuable skill that will help them throughout adolescence and into adulthood. Girls (and boys) are especially empowered when they find healthy ways to identify, express, and manage their emotions, especially the more difficult ones like sadness, anger, jealously or disappointment.

Your body is amazing.

With all the body shaming and unrealistic body images that dominate the media and our culture, too many girls grow up believing they are not pretty enough, thin enough or fit enough. As puberty brings on changes in body size and shape, girls need to practice trusting and caring for their body. They need to know it is amazing because of the things it can do. Help girls value their body for what it helps them accomplish. Help them normalize NORMAL and recognize that the “ideal” created by the media and fashion industry is mostly unattainable and often unhealthy. Finally, be someone who models respect for body diversity and values others for their actions and deeds over appearances. Our video class How to Like Your Body was created to help girls develop this mindset and the practices that prevent body dislike.

 

 

 

Girlology is deeply committed to changing the body image story for girls. We’ve created a class for them that raises awareness and teaches skills that can prevent body image issues or begin to reverse existing body struggles. Our methods are being used successfully in therapists offices —  greater confidence, less self-consciousness, more joy.

The on-demand class for girls is called “How to Like Your Body.” It includes 10 short videos + a fun, colorful journal (free e-version or print version may be purchased) and it’s led by inspiring young women trained by Girlology. Honestly, it’s better than anything we’ve ever seen for tweens and teens, and we’re getting amazing feedback from girls. 

But there is a hard truth we needed to address:

 

For her to optimize her body image, it’s likely she needs YOU to do some work on your feelings about your own body. 

Social media definitely has an impact on her, but your influence is bigger. Your comments, glances, family culture… the way you feel about your own body, the way you move your body, the time you take for yourself, even things your mother said to you — all affect how your daughter experiences her own body. 

It’s complicated for a lot of us.

But the solution isn’t.

Once we built the girls’ class, we realized we can create a similar coaching series for moms — as long as it wasn’t too time consuming or overwhelming. It also had to go a bit deeper to help women UNLEARN what we’ve internalized about our bodies. So we did it.

It’s called Like Your Body, Change Her Future.

Here’s how it works:

Dr. Cara Reeves and Dr. Melisa Holmes have created weekly, simple coaching steps delivered through short videos.

Watch one video each week (or whatever schedule works for you), then spend that week focused on the ONE THING you’re asked to do, think about, or process.

Use the COMMUNITY feature in the Girlology app to ask questions, share stories, seek or offer support. Dr. Cara and the Girlology team will be reading and responding to the community posts regularly.

The following weeks’ tip will begin with a reflection or review of how things went with the previous tip, and then lead you into the next step. 

About once a month, Dr. Cara and / or Dr. Melisa will host a live chat

We have a full year’s worth of weekly tips, but it only takes a few weeks to notice shifts in your relationship with your body.

You can DIY at your own pace, or feel free to DIWAF (do it with a friend) for more fun, encouragement, and accountability.

Each small step you take builds on previous tips, and before you know it, you’ll feel better about yourself, and you’ll become a better influencer for the girls in your life.

We have a year’s worth of tips, but it doesn’t take a year to notice big shifts in your relationsihp with your body. Just remember it’s a practice, so we’re in it with you for a whole year (and maybe beyond).

Here’s how to access it:

If you’re a Girlology member,
the Like Your Body, Change Her Future coaching series is already in your app – in the Body Image category.

If you’re not a member,
you can create a free account just for this coaching content (for now).
To get started, create your free account HERE
Then download the Girlology app and sign in.

Watch our welcome video, then jump into Tip 1, and you’re on your way!

We’ll send reminders about the tips in each Momfidence newsletter (sign up for it below). For your daughter, share our class for girls with her: included with your Girlology membership or available to purchase HERE.

We look forward to coaching you on this journey.

~The Girlology Team

 Get the Girlology App on google play or in the app store.

Ready to become a Girlology member and have access to all our resources for girls (and you)? Learn More HERE. 

 

 

Congratulations on taking this journey for yourself and for your daughter. To help her gain the skills and habits that will protect her relationship with her body, share our class for girls with her: How to Like Your Body, included with her Girlology membership or available to purchase HERE.

For the best experience on any device, get the Girlology App on google play or in the app store.

 

 I prefer the term “vigilant” over “paranoid,” but I worry about depression – a lot. With 3 daughters, it’s a personal worry. With thousands of female adolescent patients, it’s also a professional worry. 

Why do I worry? 

📌 It’s common. Among teens, 1 in 7 will have a diagnosis of depression, but less than half will get treatment.

📌 It’s tricky. Depression can look different in teens than in adults, and they’re great at camouflaging their symptoms.

📌 Girls are particularly at risk. After puberty, depression is almost 3 times more common in girls than boys.

📌 It shows up early. Among adults with depression or anxiety, over half of them had symptoms by age 14.

And my biggest fear? 😱

It’s not the diagnosis of depression, it’s that the depression goes UNTREATED, because treatments are very effective, especially when started promptly after the onset of symptoms. But if it’s not treated, long-standing depression can lead to other serious health problems and lifelong struggles.

So the obvious question is, “Can we PREVENT depression in the first place?” 

There’s actually some good news. 

• When we equip children with emotional coping skills, mindfulness practices, and mental wellness awareness, we can reduce the occurrence of both anxiety and depression. Girlology has  lots of tips and discussions in the app to guide you and help her with those skills.

• When we give girls a new way to think about their body without defaulting to the way it looks as a source of happiness, we  can help them build a foundation that prioritizes their  experiences and abilities over appearances. That helps reduce body dissatisfaction which is a big trigger for anxiety in many girls. Watch for Girlology’s new body image class for girls – it will do exactly that (arriving Oct 1 for members!).

• When we destigmatize  mental health care is also a way to reduce the consequences of mental health struggles. Make sure she knows that caring for her mental health and getting help when there’s a problem is just as important and necessary as taking care of her body and getting treatments when she’s physically sick. 

Obviously, genetics matter, and some things are just not in our control, however there are definitely some steps you can take to protect her mental health now and in the future. This tip will get you started.

As vigilant moms, we need to be well-prepared to recognize depression symptoms and know what to DO (or not do) to support her, get it treated, and help our girls thrive. 

Become a member of Girlology to have an all-access pass to the support you’ll need to help your child grow up confident and informed!

Get Girlology on google play or in the app store.

Ready to become a Girlology member? Learn More HERE. 

The last time you posted a smiling photo of your daughter (or yourself) on social media, did the comments go something like this… 

Beautiful …Gorgeous …So pretty … Beautiful inside and out… ?

Can we stop?

Sure, it’s nice to pay compliments. Sometimes people really do look great, and pointing that out can lift them up. More often though, I think we rattle off appearance-related flattery as a quick and mindless way to acknowledge that we “see” them and we’re paying attention. But what are we paying attention to?

As adults, hopefully we all know by now that our worth is not based on our appearance (even though society has told us otherwise for eons). But just in case you still struggle with this, let me assure you that we are important to others because we love, we give, we help, we DO things that matter.

If that statement summons a “yes!” in your head, how long did it take for you to really believe this about yourself? Adulthood? 

Our daughters and their friends deserve to learn this important lesson earlier in life, and a good place to start is to change the way we notice them. 🔎

 

Here’s why it’s important:

During adolescence, along with their body changes comes brain-based development that tosses them some existential questions: 

• Who Am I? 
• What do I have to offer? 
• Do I matter? 

The answers they tell themselves (based on input from others) become the foundation for their self-confidence and self-worth.

When we repeatedly compliment girls on their appearance, they answer those questions with all the wrong answers: I am someone people like to look at. I have my looks to offer. I matter more when people see me as beautiful.

Yikes. 😧

 

Here’s what they need: 

They need you to pay closer attention and give honest compliments, because adolescent girls also have a very strong b.s. monitor. When an adult, particularly a parent, says something shallow or insincere, her alarms are going off. 🚨

In fact, research tells us that when we tell a girl something that is not in line with what she already believes, she creates counter-arguments in her head, and she always wins. “No, I’m not.” “That’s a lie.” “You’re just saying that.” Her retorts are more believable to her, and your compliment ends up creating the opposite effect of what you intended.

 

Here’s how to do it better:

So is it hopeless to give a girl compliments? Not if they’re sincere. But even if she IS physically beautiful, don’t let that be the thing you comment on first or most often. Instead, look deeper; notice the things that excite her; watch for the victories that matter to her – and start there. Give her less attention for her looks, and learn to grow her confidence in ways that are more specific and meaningful: 

✅ doing something well

✅ taking healthy risks

✅ pursuing a passion

✅ working toward a goal

And if you’re on social media and see a smiling photo of a girl or woman, I challenge you to comment on something other than the way she looks. 

Need some ideas? Here’s our compliment bank. We’d love to have you contribute by adding yours in the comments!

Caring・Happy・ Genuine・ Creative・ Independent・ Strong・ Brave・ Loyal・ Curious・ Thoughtful・ Careful・ Confident・ Powerful・ Clever・ Fierce・ Loving・ Kind・ Smart・ Inspiring・ Funny・ Athletic・ Engaged・ Fascinating・ Refreshing・ Calm・ Considerate・ Inclusive・ Courteous・ Friendly・Connected Unique・ Energetic・ Capable・ Passionate・ Helpful・ Interesting・ Faithful・ Adventurous・ Courageous・Tough・Gentle・Efficient・ Gracious・ Respectful・Talented・ Entertaining・ Compassionate・ Joyful・ Brilliant・ Meticulous・ Hard-working・ Special・ Honest・ Radiant・ Resilient・ Cheerful・ Charming・ Kind-hearted・ Perseverant・ Generous・ Tolerant・ Intelligent ・Giving・ Witty・ Lively・ Amusing・ Focused・ Impressive・ Diligent・ Energetic・ Thoughtful・ Delightful・ Gracious・ Lovely・ Refreshing・ Engaging・ Captivating・ Lovable・

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More 

With warmer weather and Spring Breaking, it seems that many of you are thinking about (and stressed about) your daughters’ bathing suits. We get dozens of questions on this topic every year, and the range of questions is as varied as the range of very strong opinions about what is and isn’t ok for girls to wear.

Some of the questions we’ve received recently sum up the recurring themes in the great bathing suit quandaries. I’ve provided some simple, body-positive suggestions that may help (or may not — this is definitely a highly complex and nuanced topic). Let us know how you’re handling these challenges in your home!

 

She’s hiding her body

“My daughter only wears baggy clothes and insists on a full-cover, black one-piece. Her figure is so cute. How can I help her feel more comfortable with it?”

If she likes baggy clothes and wants a full-coverage bathing suit – great. There’s no need to push her into something more form fitting. It’s particularly common for some girls to want to stay covered when they become aware of their morphing body and aren’t quite ready to show others what’s been going on under those giant T-shirts. It doesn’t necessarily mean she has a body image problem, it may just be a time of adjustment. 

You don’t need to know the reason, just start looking for those black one-piece suits. If you have the means, give her a few options and let her choose one she likes best. Remember that you can’t talk her into loving her body, but you can influence her body acceptance by modeling your own and staying focused on the awesome things her body does instead of how it looks. Also – one last suggestion: telling her that her body is cute won’t help, and can actually hurt by perpetuating our societal knee-jerk that focuses on looks instead of other more important traits.

 

Her suit is too small

“My daughter put on last year’s bathing suit, and yikes. We need something bigger! How do I tell her without making her self-conscious?”

When our kids grow, it’s normally seen as an exciting event and sign of health, but when girls’ bodies grow in new places during adolescence, why does everyone act so surprised? If you’re worried about telling her, don’t be. She already knows she’s growing. But the way you talk with her about it can change everything. If you can avoid this scenario before she even tries on last year’s suit, do it. Suggest a shopping trip (or order) anticipating that normal growth means a new swimsuit. If she’s standing in front of you spilling out of last year’s suit, stay calm, matter of fact, and leave the ball in her court, “Looks like it could be time for a new suit. What style do you think you want this year?” 

A girl in a woman’s body

“This year, My 12 year old’s body would definitely fit in a women’s size suit, but she still loves to run around and play. Where do we shop for something comfortable and appropriate?”

Thankfully, this solution is more practical and less emotional. Even though she might be perfectly proportioned for the teen suits, skip the teen department and go straight to the women’s department or sporting good stores where there’s a larger variety of options, including tankinis, one-pieces, and even boy-shorts, board shorts, and rash guard tops that also double as great sun-protection. If you’ll be shopping virtually there are some great options at some of the traditional catalog stores like LL Bean and Land’s End. If she still loves to run around and play, she deserves a suit that lets her do that without wedgies or nip slips!

 

I’m worried she’ll be teased

“My 13 year old daughter is asking for a bikini, but she really doesn’t have the body for it. I want to encourage her body acceptance, but I’m worried that at her age, she will be teased or bullied. What should I do?

This is where parenting tween and teen girls can become excruciatingly challenging. Is our “protection” nothing more than body shaming and judgment? 

My first instinct is to say that the most beautiful bikini body is a happy and confident body – and I believe that with all my heart. But I think we owe our daughters more than “you’re beautiful.” 

At 13, girls are very capable of understanding that as parents, we can feel conflicted about what we want and don’t want for our children. They are also capable of reflecting on choices they make. 

So tell her what you love (her confidence, her style). Tell her what worries you (some people judge others for stupid reasons; some people may sexualize her body and make her feel uncomfortable; she may feel restricted and less free to move around without tugging on her suit). Then get curious without expressing judgment or emotion. Why does she want a bikini? Is there another style she might like to have as well? 

Obviously there’s a delicate balance between helping your daughter feel empowered and helping prepare her for the reality that people can be jerks. You’ve probably said “life’s not fair” before, and this is one more example and a conversation that you’ll need to have again and again as she grows. 

Just make sure she knows that you are her biggest fan no matter what she decides to wear – and if that’s a bikini, then good for her! She is already winning in the body confidence arena.

______

This is a kind and very wise community, so if you are having other dilemmas like these, feel free to ask for help in the comments section. We’re here to help each other as we all parent through puberty! 

If you want to keep it in a more private space, our members have access to our private online forum where you can ask anything and get responses from our physicians, mental health experts, and other caring adults. Maybe it’s a great time to join!

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More about joining HERE. 

 As parents, we may cringe inside at the first sight of pimples on that sweet little face and want to jump to her rescue, but parenting through puberty is such a balancing act.

• Do you say anything or not? 
• Do you just leave some acne wash by her sink and hope she discovers it?
• Do you calmly suggest a skin care routine without letting your eyes stray to her pimples?

You desperately want to help her avoid the self-esteem impact of acne, but you also need to avoid the emotional crisis that could erupt by pointing out her skin flaws. 🌋

As a mom, I’ve walked on those eggshells. But as I began to apply my doctoring skills at home, things got a little easier.

Here’s a Pro-tip: As a doctor for adolescents, we’re trained to make observations and ask questions non-judgmentally. If we let our emotions show – like awkwardness, worry, or reluctance – they absorb those emotions, magnify them, and often add a dash of anger to the whole situation. But when we stay calm and non-judgmental with our voice and our body language, they respond to us with more honesty and less angst (this applies to ANY discussions with adolescents, and it takes a lot of practice!).

Back to her skin: When it comes to adolescent acne, there’s a progression that’s pretty typical as puberty begins:

• oily skin,
• blackheads,
• pimples
• then, some progress into full-blown acne, some don’t.

So, you know it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Gee thanks, hormones. 🙄

How do you have the conversation? 

Try something like this, “I notice you have some blackheads and a few pimples. Do they bother you?” The key is showing NO emotion or facial expression to indicate pity, concern, or worry. In this type of situation, if you can be like a blank piece of paper with a Yes or No checkbox ✅ you’ll be less likely to set off an emotional melt-down. 

If her answer is a solid “No” or she seems totally clueless, just move on and make no other comments other than something along the lines of, “Cool, if that changes, just let me know.” If SHE isn’t bothered by her skin issues, there’s no point in YOU trying to make her follow a skin care routine. She has no motivation, and she’ll think your suggestions are annoying or insulting.

If her answer is anything else, “Sort of,” “Not really,” “A little,” or (as my drama-tween answered, “Omigosh YES!!! Is it horrible?!” then she’ll be more willing to listen and actually follow some steps to manage her new skin changes. 

When that time is here, there are very simple and effective skin care routines that work well. You don’t need expensive products or a long checklist of steps. For our favorite dermatologist recommended treatments, members can check out these resources:

For parents: Acne Do’s and Don’ts: Tips & Tricks from a Dermatologist

For parents and girls: Best tips for managing acne when it first starts!

For girls: Essential Skin Care

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More 

I don’t want to point fingers, but if you grew up in the 80s or 90s, it’s super likely that you have some weight bias. If you’re not sure what that means, weight bias involves having a negative attitude about yourself or others based on weight or body shape. Sound familiar? 

Honestly, it would be pretty impossible to come out of the jazzercize and buns of steel era without believing that body fat was abhorrent and must be destroyed. All those VHS fitness tapes and super skinny models in Seventeen magazine messed with our heads.

Dealing with our own body issues is tough enough, but how do we handle it if we have concerns about our own child’s weight? And even if we don’t have concerns about their size or weight, how do we help them love and trust their bodies while skipping the self-criticisms? 

We have tips HERE on what you can do (and not do) if you are worried about your child’s weight. But if you want to work on eliminating your own weight bias, you can start by “faking it til you make it” with some of these suggestions.

Stop judging your own body.

Each day as you get dressed, look in the mirror and force yourself to express some gratitude. Your body has helped you do some awesome things. If you see scars, dimples, folds, that you don’t like, recognize that these are all part of your body’s patina and tell the story of its journey.  

Alter your comments.

If you find yourself starting a sentence with “You look….” PAUSE and select a word or phrase that isn’t about physical appearance (pretty, skinny, gorgeous) but carries more importance (happy, confident, prepared, like you’re having fun). 

Don’t say anything.

When you feel yourself about to comment on someone’s size or food choices (even if it’s a whispered comment to your best friend), STOP. Nobody needs to hear that. The more you mute your judgmental comments, the easier it gets to empty them from your thoughts. 

Stop categorizing food as good or bad.

All food is food. Some has more nutritional value. If you child only wants to eat candy and cookies, put out some other more nutritious foods to eat WITH the treats. Villainizing certain foods can increase the risk for secretive eating or restrictive dieting and eating disorders.

Work hard on your role modeling.

Whether it’s enjoying ice cream or moving your body every day, do your best to create healthy behaviors around food and exercise. Show your children that food can be nourishing, comforting, and fun, and we don’t have to punish ourselves for enjoying it. Model moving your body for fun instead of “exercising off what you eat or drink.” When kids have fun moving, they are more likely to become lifelong movers. 

What else has worked for you? Add them to the comments. We’d love to know!

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More