If you haven’t told your child about sex by 4th grade, I hope you’ll read this. 

Every year, I seem to get at least one phone call from a panic-stricken mom with a child in the third or fourth grade. It usually goes something like this (in a flustered whisper)…

“Help!! My precious, innocent little [insert child’s name] just came home from school and told me that one of her friends told her what sex is. She wanted to know how I could let her daddy do that to me. 

When I asked her to share what she learned, her description included words like ‘under the sheets,’ ‘wiggling,’ and ‘poking.’ She seems upset and scared. Now what do I do?!?!”

That’s the reality with late elementary age children. There will always be some kids in the class that have older siblings who have shared “the big secret” about sex. Or perhaps there’s a precocious child who has developed his or her own definition based on unsupervised time with the media. 

No matter the source, most of the time, what’s being shared among elementary school friends about that mysterious word is shaded with a “naughty” flavor that makes the whole story seem dirty and awful. 

And that’s the start of many myths that circulate throughout the years to come.

How do we protect our young children from the scary and negative messages about sex? 

We have to get to them first!

Really. YOU need to be her “informant.”

If you can turn the “sex” talk into a special event with your child, you can keep the message accurate, simple, positive, and full of the miraculous wonder that reproduction really does hold. And there’s no better age than 8 or 9 for this message. Any older, and it’s super likely they have already heard “stuff” and find the whole topic gross and embarrassing. 

But at 8 or 9, your child is more full of wonder than attitude, and that’s the perfect time to strike.

Before I move on with tips for this talk, there is one disclaimer:

Do not believe for a minute that having “THE TALK” as a single conversation is sufficient.

When it comes to sexuality education, there is no such thing as one or two “talks.” If you’ve explored the Girlology app, you already know that. But we do recognize that lots of parents have the most trouble with that one conversation where intercourse is accurately defined. So, these tips are for that conversation. 

Here are the Girlology tips for having “the sex talk” with your elementary aged child:

• Treat it as a very special “big mystery to life” that you will reveal on a special day, maybe on a birthday or a special trip. Talk it up beforehand so there is some excitement in the air.

• Make it a special discussion, not one that you have when you’re trying to do other things. Set aside some time and quiet place that is free from interruptions.

• Start with eggs, sperm and fertilization. Then, proceed through fetal development and birth. Use pictures to show the sperm, egg, fetus and maybe even of a birth. Animal births are also a great example. 

• End with intercourse…that’s the big mystery. You could ask, “How do you think the sperm and the egg find each other?” When you tell your child how the sperm gets in the woman’s body, you will probably get a crinkled nose or an ewww. That’s ok. Keep it short and simple, because they will be ready to stop talking about it at that point.

• If that seems a bit overwhelming, just watch our class, The Science of Reproduction with your child – – it’s exactly how we present it. 

• Answer all their questions! They come up with some great ones! Keep your sense of humor, and if you don’t know an answer, that’s ok. Try to find it out and get back to them.

• Be sure to remind them it’s not their place to share the story with their friends. Other kids deserve to have their own parents involved in how and when they learn about it.

• Encourage your spouse or child’s other parent to tell your child that he/she knows about the discussion and is also happy to answer questions anytime.

• Check in again after a few days  to see if there are more questions. They need time to process the information and that often raises new questions.

The whole explanation only takes about 15-20 minutes. And that little bit of time can save you hours in backpedaling out of the mess that other kids can cause with their shared versions of the story. 

Once you make it special and keep it positive, your child will be armed with knowledge from a more accurate source than the kid on the playground. And when a kid starts telling the dirty version, yours will know the truth and start recognizing the inaccuracies and embellishments that come with playground chatter.

So take a deep breath and plan your special “big mystery of life” event.

You’ve got this!

Consider joining Girlology for the sex talk help, and stick around for the puberty and mental health help! We offer grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More Here.

As parents, we work hard to find the right pediatrician for our babies – one that we trust to care for our precious littles and support us as parents. But as our littles become bigs – it may be time to reassess the fit for your family. Lots of wonderful pediatricians transition to teen care beautifully, but sometimes your child may deserve a different provider. 

When my daughter hit 12, and definitely by 13, I expected her to have some “alone time” with her doctor, but the visits went by with me in the room. Honestly, it didn’t bother me too much. I mean, she had ME. I was talking with her about ALL.THE.THINGS, and I’m pretty sure her pediatrician knew that..  

But at the 14 year old visit (high school, right?), her doctor asked her all the questions about depression, sexual activity, and substance use IN FRONT OF ME. 🙅🏻‍♀️😶 

I have to say I was not happy. As a teen, my daughter deserves to have confidential conversations with a doctor SHE trusts. Ignoring the importance of confidentiality is not the way to build trust with tweens and teens. And trust ME – they need as many trusted adults as they can find (have I said trust enough?).

Many parents might believe they SHOULD be present for those questions, but we know in adolescent medicine that it’s not a good idea. We’ve all had too many discussions with absolutely great kids who were not being honest with their parent about things like vaping, alcohol, sex, or even their depression and anxiety symptoms.

As a mom, I know we don’t want to think about our kids hiding their risky behaviors or deep feelings from us, but sometimes they just do.

They don’t want to disappoint us. 

They don’t want to get in trouble. 

They don’t want another lecture.

They don’t think it’s a big deal.

But here’s the thing about confidential medical care: when a healthcare provider ensures confidentiality and can have a heart to heart talk with them, they open up and are amazingly honest. And I’ve never met a healthcare provider for teens that wasn’t dead set on helping them follow a path toward safety and wellness. We’re all on the same team. (Btw, if a young person discloses thoughts or behaviors that are life-threatening for themself or others, doctors are required to report that to a parent and/or the appropriate authorities). 

So – back to my story… 

I asked my daughter if she thought most teens give honest answers when they were asked those questions in front of a parent. 

She just 😂🤣🤭.

So, for her 15 year old check up, I took her to her new pediatrician. Her new doc spent a chunk of time with us together, gathering medical history and asking about my concerns, then she said BUH BYE 👋🏼 to me, and whisked my girl off for a separate chat, making her feel confident about her confidentiality.

On the way home, of course I asked what they talked about. 

Her reply? 

“That was between me and Dr Natalie. I don’t have to tell you.” (btw – that’s SO 15!). 

Perfect answer. I trust that I’ll be informed if there are serious concerns, but now, I know my teen has a trusted healthcare provider she can confide in, and I know she’ll get advice that is focused on helping her stay safe, informed, and healthy.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. ✅

Did you know Girlology offers grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on ALL.THE.TOPICS she should be talking with her doctor about! Learn More Here.

 I meet a lot of parents through Girlology and in my own community who still assume their child’s school will teach them something about puberty and reproductive health. That’s a pretty normal expectation. In fact, according to Girlology’s recent research, over 50% of moms agreed that their friends primarily rely on schools for this type of education. 

Do YOU think that’s happening?

Honestly, in the U.S. sex education in schools is struggling big time. Teachers certainly want to do right by their students, but when it comes to sex education, there are too many hurdles and inconsistencies, including these:

Only 25 states in the U.S. even require sex + HIV education.* 

And only 18 of those require that it’s medically accurate.* 

Say what? 

Isn’t accuracy a thing in schools? 

And what about teacher certification? Nope. 

Although some school districts have health educators that are qualified and comfortable teaching sex ed, more often than not, this essential knowledge is delivered by reluctant and unsupported teachers who are basically handed the job whether they want it or not.

Here’s another thing: if they do teach about puberty, it’s commonly in 5th grade when more than half of girls are already developing and losing confidence.

If they teach reproduction, it’s typically in 7th grade, when every kid in the class has already heard (and many have seen) ALL THE THINGS that kids share about sex…mostly attached to dirty, shameful or naughty messages.

That’s not the way I wanted my daughters to learn about their amazing bodies, the miracle of reproduction, and even their early understanding of intimacy. 

You, too? 

Then when is the right time to start?
Well, as early as you can, but definitely now. 😬 It’s never too late.

As a parent, and as a physician, one of my big goals is to do better by young people by giving them accurate information and honest answers to their questions about their bodies, sex, and sexuality BEFORE they see it online or hear it from peers, siblings, crushes, or Tik Tok’s self-proclaimed “sexperts.”

One of my other big goals is to help parents tackle this task with more confidence. Sometimes that means breaking the ice and getting the talking started for them. 

I say “talking” because it’s not “A TALK,” it’s an ongoing conversation that is a lot easier to continue than it is to start. Age-appropriate education means introducing topics in simple ways, then layering details and complexities year after year as they mature. 

So if you’re wondering WHEN to start, check out this tip: When Should I Talk to My Kids About Sex?

And if you want help starting “the talking,” we’ve got your back with our on-demand class: The Science of Reproduction.

• We’ll say all the words, 
• provide the details, 
• dispel the myths,
• and leave you to share your own family values that only you know best. 

Give her a little time to process what she’s learned. Then, when she has questions, the class also includes a downloadable Q&A that can help you through the most common questions we get from kids. 

It’s a great way to start, and we’ll be here to help you keep it going through ALL the talking!

If you want to see all the content we offer on puberty and sex ed (we organize it in grade-level playlists for age-appropriate, year-after-year layering), download our free app, and take a look at our titles.

Once you become a member, you’ll have an all-access pass to the support you’ll need to help your child grow up confident and informed!

Get Girlology on google play or in the app store.

* Guttmacher Institute

Ready to become a Girlology member? Learn More HERE. 

I’m going to borrow a phrase from Oprah and tell you one thing I know for sure:

Our kids do better in those really sticky situations when they’ve had some time to think about how they might respond before they face that challenge.

When they have time to process a potential struggle before it smacks them in the face, they react in a way that is less impulsive, and they make better choices. The biggest challenge is knowing what challenges are ahead.

That’s where you come in.

You have to get real about the stuff they may encounter. 

It may not sound like rocket science, but it really is proven brain science (and it’s great parenting advice). 

As a physician, it’s the reason I take extra time with every adolescent patient to mention things they are likely to encounter and ask them to consider how they would handle it – whether it’s side effects from a medication or someone handing them a vape. 

Why?

Despite its reputation for drama and impulsivity, the adolescent brain is a remarkable organ. When you present an adolescent with a challenging scenario, [not to scare you, but think vaping, sexting, porn, shoplifting, alcohol, even making mean comments on social media] they are very skilled at creative problem solving –  as long as they’re in a calm setting. However, when emotions or peer pressures are high, their critical thinking skills tank. They desperately need opportunities to practice engaging their brain when they’re calm.

Your Job

So, as the adult, you don’t need to give them solutions. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Just have a calm conversation about a challenge that might come up for them. Set the scene. Make it sound realistic. Let your child come up with the solutions – and just listen. Stay curious by asking “what then?” questions, but resist the urge to problem-solve for them.

They’ll be more prepared for performing in a pickle and their solutions will stick. When they think it up, they remember it better than remembering what you told them to do.

And don’t worry that talking about scary behaviors will give them new ideas to go out and try— that’s not how it works. There’s research evidence to prove that talking about sex or substances with your kids does NOT make them go out and try it.

If you need a softer start

If the tougher topics seem too daunting for now, you can start with other really easy stuff – like, “What will you do when you get your first period?” Or, “What would you do if you started your period at school and didn’t have any period products?” Or, “What can you say when you hear one of your friends talking mean about someone?”

Just start somewhere

More processing.

Less anxiety and drama.

I promise, it works.

Speaking of an easy topic like periods…if you’re wondering if her first period is close – we can help you with that in this tip “How to predict her first period.” And then if its close – don’t forget our 30- page free ebook for her – it covers ALL THE THINGS she needs to know when she starts her period. It’s called, You Got IT, and it’s available to all members.

 

Ready to become a Girlology member? Learn More HERE. 

 We know our Girlology community has moms with girls of all ages, and questions about birth control may not be on your radar. But whether you have a current or future teen, some essential facts can prepare you as you and your girl head toward adolescence where you’re both sure to encounter LOTS of MYTHS. 

For many teens, some form of birth control will be used to treat or help manage health issues such as menstrual migraines, acne, anemia, painful periods, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, bleeding disorders and other complex medical conditions. Some teens will need pregnancy prevention. And sometimes, a girl just wants to make her periods less disruptive for reasons that might be related to athletic performance, an upcoming vacation, or just because. 

When it comes to all the reasons a teen might need some help with hormones, the most common choice is birth control pills. Sure, there are other methods that may be more reliable like the shot, IUD or implant, but in this piece, I’m focusing on “the pill” which contains both estrogen and progesterone (not to be confused with the “mini-pill which contains ONLY progesterone, is less effective for teens, and was recently approved for over the counter sales without a prescription). 

In medicine, “the pill” is also referred to as oral contraceptive pills (ocp) or Combined Hormonal Contraceptives (a grouping that also includes the birth control patch and vaginal contraceptive ring which are both as effective as the pill and are used for many of the same reasons – the hormones are just absorbed through the skin or the vaginal walls)

So let me get to the 5 most common myths we hear from patients in the office. The facts I present are based on decades of medical research. I hope this helps you and your daughter make decisions that are grounded in reality – not myths or unfounded claims from self-appointed birth control experts on tik tok who are trying to sell supplements, wellness coaching, or some other unproven cure. If you want a deeper discussion on birth control safety and research, watch this video: Is It OK for Her to Take Birth Control Pills?

Myth 1

❌ Birth control pills cause weight gain.

Lots and lots of studies have looked at weight and birth control methods and the bottom line is – birth control pills are weight neutral. They don’t cause weight gain. They don’t cause weight loss. However, teens are naturally and normally supposed to gain body fat as they mature into young adulthood, so they WILL gain weight as they develop. AND, as teens become more independent, changes in their eating habits and activity levels are the other cause for significant weight gain. Only one birth control method has consistently shown weight gain, especially among teens who are already overweight – that is Depo-Provera or the birth control shot.

Myth 2

❌ Birth control pills increase her risk for breast cancer.

Teens who take birth control pills do not have an increased lifetime risk of breast cancer. This includes teens with a family history of breast cancer and even the BRCA genetic mutation for breast cancer risk. BUT, birth control pills have been proven to REDUCE the risk for ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, and colon cancer.

Myth 3

❌ Birth control pills cause depression.

Ok. Bear with me on this one. Depression and other mood disorders are especially common among adolescent girls, and lots of adolescent girls take birth control pills. So there are some challenges to getting a clear answer regarding whether the pill contributes to depression or depression shows up and she just happens to also be on it. Either way, it’s important to look for an answer – and LOTS of researchers have tried. Unfortunately, numerous studies have found no clear link. However, one fairly recent, well-designed study out of Denmark got a lot of media attention when it showed an association (not a cause) between all hormonal birth control methods and depression; and the link was more significant among teens.

Interestingly, in that study, the biggest risk of depression occurred with progesterone-only contraceptives (which include the IUD, implant, shot, and mini-pill) but it was less with traditional birth control pills (which contain estrogen and progesterone). Also, the increase in depression was SLIGHT. 

For women not on birth control, the baseline rate of depression was 1.7 per 1000 people. For those using birth control, the depression rate was 2.3 per 1000. The difference was statistically significant, but in real life, that’s a very small increase. And that’s the best data we have after decades of looking at this issue.

The bottom line is that every individual can respond differently to medications, so it’s always important to pay attention to side effects or any concerns after starting a new prescription, including birth control pills. It is still accurate to share that the risk of pills causing or worsening depression is very very small, but if it happens to you, we want to know because we can try another formulation of pill or another method!

Myth 4

❌ Teens should be placed on the lowest dose birth control pills.

This is another myth that many moms find surprising. First, understand that almost ALL ocps prescribed today are by definition “low dose,” which means the amount of estrogen (ethinyl estradiol) is 35 mcg or less, but “low doses” range from 10 – 35 mcg.

Secondly, adolescence is the most important time in a female’s life for building bone density. Although estrogen is known to strengthen bones, and birth control pills contain estrogen – all doses do not have the same effect. For teens, optimal bone density development doesn’t happen when the pill has doses of the estrogen that are lower than 30 mcg. That means the ultra low dose 10 mcg pills and even the commonly prescribed 20 mcg doses may be harmful to her bone development.

Besides bones, the lower doses of ocps tend to have more breakthrough bleeding (spotting) and are not always the best at controlling pain and heavy bleeding – all things that make her stop her pills. 

For these reasons, most contraceptive experts treating adolescents recommend birth control pills with 30-35 mcg of the estrogen component. 

Myth 5

❌ Birth control pills make it harder to get pregnant in the future.

False. The reality is that taking birth control pills during the reproductive years has been shown to be slightly protective of future fertility and definitely does not harm or reduce someone’s ability to get pregnant once they are off the pill. This fact is related to the rates of pelvic inflammatory disease (a sexually transmitted infection that spreads into the uterus and fallopian tubes), which are lower among women on the pill than those not on hormonal birth control. 

 

For teens, there are very few contraindications for using hormonal birth control, and the most important thing to know is that any form of birth control (pills, patch, ring, shot, IUD, implant) is safer than pregnancy – always. 

One more thing – 

There are over 150 brands and generic formulations of birth control pills on the market in the U.S. and there are not many physicians who understand the differences between the formulations. However, the majority of teens who start birth control pills will do fine with the one they are given. Those who don’t respond or have significant side effects will usually do better with a different formulation that is wisely selected based on her symptoms. There is no doubt, however, that some people just don’t tolerate or like birth control pills.

For more on birth control and teens, check out the following short tips for Girlology members:

Understanding Side Effects of Birth Control Pills

How to Manage Period Problems with Birth Control Pills 

 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Over the past 2 decades, kid’s exposure to porn has become so common, it is now considered a normative experience rather than an exception. And the content, which is freely and easily accessible from any smartphone, has become more and more explicit, violent, and honestly – weird. That’s how the porn industry keeps folks coming back for more.

For emerging adolescents with a healthy dose of curiosity – especially about sex (which is normal!), porn is a powerful magnet. Perhaps if we had reliable, comprehensive sexuality education in all schools, kids would be less likely to look to porn for their sex ed. Obviously, porn will not make them the “sexperts” they hope to be. Instead, it is having serious effects on the way young people explore and experience intimacy and sexual behaviors. But I digress… 

Research from the National Center for Sexual Exploitation tells us that 64% of kids age 13+ actively seek out porn at least weekly. But even if they’re not intentionally seeking it out, it’s so ubiquitous online that many land on it unintentionally. That’s why the average age of exposure to porn is 8-11. 

I know.
It can feel terrifying. 

But you know what we moms do every day?

We handle scary things.

Protecting our kids from the harms of porn is intimidating, but it’s necessary if we want our children to grow up feeling confident in advocating for their body, voicing both their desires and their boundaries, and prepared to explore their emerging sexuality at the right time and in healthy ways. That requires preparing them (ALL of them) for what they are likely to encounter online and helping them understand the differences between healthy sexuality and pornography.

To support our members’ requests for help with these conversations, we created a resource: 10 Conversations to Have with Your Kids about Porn. In it, we present the following conversation topics that can help every kid gain important insights and understanding as they explore their normal and healthy curiosities about sex. For each topic below, our downloadable resource offers sample scripts and specific suggestions for introducing and expanding on each topic. 

These ten conversations start with simple topics appropriate for any age and transition into more complex conversations that are more appropriate for older kids. 

• Curiosity is normal.
• Looking at it doesn’t make you a bad person.
• Once you see it, you can’t “unsee” it.
• When you saw it, how did it make you feel?
• Trying to hide it from me doesn’t help you.
• What can you say to remove yourself from watching it with friends?
• It’s not a “how to” lesson.
• Porn can affect how you feel about your body.
• Porn desensitizes you to violence.
• It can become addictive and affect your sexual function.

To get the full support of this 3 page downloadable resource, members can find it linked below this video, “5 Tips for Discussing Pornography with Kids.” We also offer a deeper discussion, “What Every Parent Needs to Know about Porn.” 

If you want your middle schooler to have a resource that addresses porn in an age-appropriate way, we cover it on our class, “Be You: Learning Self Care and Growing Self-Confidence.”

We’re here to help YOU be HER best guide – even through the tough stuff. If you’re not yet a member, we’d love to have you join our community. You can try it free for 7 days HERE.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists outlining on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

We all have a basic human need for physical affection – to be touched in ways that feel safe and comforting, or sometimes in ways that simply create pleasure. 

A back rub can be relaxing. 👍🏼

A long hug – nourishing. 😌

Scratching an itch – incredibly satisfying. 😬

And whether someone else is helping, or we’re handling it ourselves, there are some things that just feel sooooooooo gooood. Right? 😊

So, we need to talk about self-touch. Masturbation. It’s a topic that so many parents tell me they have trouble with – especially when they think about their little girl having big girl desires. 😳

But let me help reduce some of the awkwardness by reminding you that your adolescent is already aware that touching her own genitals feels great. She’s known since she was a baby.

We tend to smile knowingly when our babies discover their genitals during diaper changes. And I’ve definitely laughed with other moms over the ways we discovered our preschoolers asleep with their favorite lovie stuffed in their underwear. 🧸

Little kids are unapologetic about the pleasure of masturbation (that’s why we had to teach them where and when it’s appropriate). 

It’s a self-soothing behavior for children.

It’s the same for adolescents, and it only becomes awkward if we make it that way. So I encourage you to have a matter-of-fact conversation about it with your budding teen.

No, you don’t have to teach them HOW.

You don’t even have to encourage it. 

But I do suggest that you have a conversation about it so you can acknowledge that it’s normal, offer permission, and reassure her that she should have no embarrassment about exploring her body in a way that feels good to her. 

As my own daughters entered the teen years and began to show interest in romantic affection with a partner, I made a point to tell each one that she could probably make her body feel better sexually than an awkward teenaged partner could – and that it’s perfectly fine and even preferred for her to figure out “those feelings” on her own before letting someone else try to figure it out for her. 

It may feel awkward to share that as a parent, but it’s true – so why not reassure her that it’s not only fine, it’s a good idea when sexual desires emerge (which is developmentally NORMAL & EXPECTED). 

Girls who grow up feeling aware and informed about their bodies and how they work have greater confidence and feel more agency over their own bodies as they enter future relationships. 💪🏼

If you need extra support for this conversation, we have more help HERE and HERE. You’ve got this! 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

One of my most unforgettable patient encounters happened about 6 years ago and involved a 12 year old. I don’t even remember why she was referred to me, but I’ll never forget how she answered a very routine question I asked: 

Have you had any romantic relationships or crushes?

She answered, “Well, I’m bi-romantic and asexual, so yeah, maybe.” 

I had to stop and think for a second. Then, I replied the same way I often do when an adolescent is sharing something that seems big, “Tell me more about that.” 🤔

She was happy to share. She said she felt attracted to her girlfriends and some boys, and sometimes she just didn’t know who she liked more. Then she clarified that she was not interested in getting physically intimate with any of them. 

She’s attracted to everyone, but doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. How perfect. At 12, it doesn’t get any more normal than that.

Today, our middle schoolers (and beyond) have a robust vocabulary for expressing their feelings about attraction and gender, and they feel pretty darn comfortable talking about it all.

As their trusted adults, we need to make sure we listen and respond to the language they choose. And it’s not just the language of attraction and gender, but even the stages of relationships – “talking,” “hanging out,” “dating,” may not mean what you think they mean – so staying curious and asking for clarity is always a great idea (as long as you remain sincere). 

Pride month inspires a lot of adolescents to enthusiastically celebrate their LGBTQ friends or maybe even share insights about their own emerging sexuality. For parents of kids coming out as gay, bi- or exploring new ideas about gender, it’s common to feel worried or confused, but there is no better time to listen and reassure your child that your love is not dependent on any of those things. 

We know parents worry because we receive a lot of emails – many from those who fully embrace & support their gay friends and colleagues, but when it’s their own kid, there’s hesitation. 

• I’m wondering if this is just a trend?
• I think she’s just looking for attention.
• Is she old enough to even understand that?
• Should I take her seriously?
• What should I say if I disagree?

During adolescence, our kids are pre-programmed to experiment with how they show up, what feels right for them, and who they really are when they’re being true to themselves. And whether straight or gay, they are also exploring their sexuality. Some of them will figure things out faster than others. 

Adolescents evolve. Parental worries shift.

As we transition to our roles as parents of adolescents (instead of children), the most important thing we can do is to stay calm, curious, and non-judgmental. The way they will thrive the most is with you doing a lot of  listening and loving along the way.

The world is full of judgment. Try to be the safe place for your adolescent to land. For LGBTQ youth, their health and safety depend on it. In my video tip, “My Daughter is Gay and I’m Not Ok” I explain more.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

As they leave elementary school and head into the hormone filled hallways of middle school where kids roam in herds instead of single file lines, and shiny cell phones replace plastic collectibles in the bus line, you can’t help but worry about whether you’ve prepared your child for life on this new academic and social planet.

Early in the school year is a perfect time to strengthen and discuss the safety net that will make life easier for your child in middle school and beyond. It’s woven together from many intertwining and overlapping pieces. Below are some sturdy ones that will give your child a head start on social and emotional health skills and provide important protection.

 

People who believe in her

Parents matter a lot, but it’s also important that your child sees others cheering her on and believing in her ability to succeed. Sometimes it’s a coach or a teacher, sometimes a youth group leader, sometimes it’s a sibling, a friend or a friend’s parent. Kids who don’t have others openly expressing their confidence in them have a hard time developing the confidence to believe in themselves.

 

A way out

Tweens love to blend in by following the crowd, but most tweens will tell you that the crowd doesn’t always behave in a way that is comfortable. When your child is uncomfortable or pressured in a group situation, make sure she has a way out. Have  a code phrase that she can text you when he needs a way out. Establish a phrase like, “can I stay???” or decide on an emoji which when texted to you really means “call me and tell me I have to come home now!” Their friends will never know they really just asked for help.

 

Affirmations

For many adolescents, self-esteem takes a nose dive around 12 or 13, and when it does, their self-talk becomes more and more negative. Help your child come up with a couple of phrases that they can say over and over to themselves when that voice in their head is telling them they aren’t good enough. Something as simple as “I deserve respect” or “I’m not stupid, I made a mistake,” or “I can do this.” If they learn to talk to themself like they would talk to a friend, they’re on the right track. 

 

Boundaries 

In middle school kids definitely will push some boundaries as they’re trying to establish their own. Some are simple, like later bedtimes or greater independence. Some are more serious, like relationship and even sexual boundaries. If they’re on their own to figure out boundaries, they frequently feel lost. It’s well established that adolescents need caring adults to help them establish those boundaries by sharing expectations and being consist. Even if it’s awkward, it’s time to talk with your child about boundaries — their own AND respecting others. Ask them first what they’re comfortable with, and THEN agree or offer a slightly different perspective based on your hopes and expectations. 

 

Values

If you haven’t had conversations about your family values, now is the time. Make sure your child understands what you consider important “in life” and your expectations for their future based on those values. For tweens & teens, it’s especially important to discuss values related to things like health, education, respect, honesty, love and relationships. As young people are exposed to peers from different backgrounds, they begin to explore and challenge many of the traditional values of their own families, but those with a good foundation, usually drift back toward to the values they grew up with. If a child doesn’t know what is expected of them, they are much more likely to be enticed into behavior patterns that are not in line with their values and goals.

 

A plan 

There’s no way to identify all the challenges your child will face in middle school and develop a plan for each one, however, you can practically count on your child being exposed to pornography and/or sexting by the time they finish middle school. A child that has a plan for how to respond to this specific challenge can avoid major damage and difficulty. That means it’s not only important to explain to your child what porn is and isn’t, but it’s more important to help them decide what to DO when they see it or receive a link to it. Same goes with sexting – whether your child receives a request for nudes, receives an image they didn’t even request, or is thinking about asking for a nude photo – having a witty or disengaging response and knowing what to do to avoid possession, habit formation, or personal humiliation is important prevention. (For more information on this conversation, go here). 

 

Followers 

Every tween wants followers, right? And every tween makes mistakes on social media – especially as they are learning the best ways to use it. Make sure your children have followers who not only follow them on social media, but check in with them in real life. Ask someone you trust to take on this role. Maybe it’s an older sibling, a youth leader, or a friend’s parent. Make sure they are willing to watch your child’s posts on social media and privately message her when she has overshared, over-exposed, or under-represented who she really is. A little help from people who are paying attention will help your child pay more attention and learn valuable lessons.

 

Humility

Every teen (and every parent) needs to understand and recognize that there will  always be people who seem to have more fun, more freedom, more money, more friends, more popularity, nicer stuff, better grades, and more skills than they do. Once your children accept this, they can focus on doing their personal best and sharing in others’ successes.

 

A sense of adventure

Nothing will teach your child more than trying new things, meeting new people, and taking healthy risks that stretch their mind and body. The adolescent brain craves thrills and excitement, and that comes in the form of risk taking. Make sure your child gets the opportunity to take healthy risks that take them out of their comfort zone (assuring they have their safety equipment and emotional safety net as back-ups). Taking healthy risks will fulfill the thrill-seeking needs of tweens & teens just as much as dangerous behaviors will. Remember that risk taking is required for teens, just encourage and allow healthy risk taking, so they don’t look for other ways to get their thrills.

 

Personal hygiene items

So this one’s a little different, but please don’t forget to make sure your child understands the importance of personal hygiene and how to use personal hygiene products (that you will hopefully provide for their backpack and PE bag!). The middle school staff will thank you!

 

We’d love to hear what else you’ll weave into her safety net? Leave us your tips in the comments.

 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More HERE. 

If you have a middle schooler or high schooler, NOW is a perfect time to have or update your Sexting Talk. Even if you think you’ve had this chat, feel free to bring it up again, because once is never enough when it comes to adolescents learning important lessons.

First, let me acknowledge that this can be a scary topic for any parent, but I’m here to confirm that it definitely falls under your job description as Chief Safety Officer 👩🏼‍✈️ and Queen of Damage Control.👸🏽 

Some Background:

For middle schoolers, who are typically just coming into sexual curiosity yet lack the confidence to explore it face to face, cell phones provide a way to test the waters. It’s not hard for their curiosity and impulsivity to overpower their common sense. As teens and their relationships mature, they may use sexting as part of consensual sharing of affection and “spice.” It’s not that different than the way their parents may have whispered sexy secrets or explored naked skin with curious eyes and wandering hands – except it’s virtual (which may seem less risky, but actually introduces a whole new frontier of risks😱).

Regardless of age, sexting is a confusing reality for young people because sexting as sexual exploration can be a pretty normal developmental curiosity, but it can also be abusive and carry significant legal risks. 

For parents, it’s a complicated discussion because research indicates that kids who both send and receive sexts are more popular. Furthermore, many young people believe that a “nude” sent without a face is no big deal. Yikes and yikes.

And then there are the legalities. Yes, it’s true that anyone under the age of 18 who takes a nude or partially nude selfie has produced child pornography according to the law. Similarly, anyone who sends or shares that photo is distributing child porn. States vary in how strict they pursue these cases, but there are definitely cases of minors being charged and required to register as sex crime offenders. Finally, there are also legal issues related to sending unrequested nudes or sending nudes that were consensually obtained, but without consent to distribute. It’s definitely complicated, and mistakes can be devastating.

See? There’s so much to talk about! But let’s simplify.

Let me address the knee-jerk response first: “Just say no,” and “Just don’t do it,” JUST DON’T WORK. There’s plenty of research to confirm that. Besides, by the time a child is in middle school, she is old enough to deserve honest answers and a more helpful conversation that will allow her successfully navigate challenges ahead. 

So what’s the best tactic to help your child avoid the risks associated with sexting? 

Turn it into a WHAT’S-YOUR-PLAN Talk. 

Assume your daughter is likely to receive a request to “send nudes,” and she’s likely to receive unrequested nudes (the dreaded “dick pic”). Based on current statistics of high school students, these are both accurate assumptions. Ask her to come up with a plan for both situations. Let her propose one solution, then ask for others. Add a complicating factor, then have her come up with an alternate response.  

Here’s why:

We know from adolescent brain development that young people are not great at thinking fast on their feet – especially in emotionally charged situations (“send nudes” carries a boatload of emotional charge related to social status and desirability). 

HOWEVER, when given time to think about and process challenging scenarios, they are brilliantly creative problem-solvers. This type of discussion is actually exercising her brain and preparing her to make decisions that are more in line with her values and goals for her own behavior. 

Here’s one way how:

Start with a story or propose a realistic challenge. Don’t just ask, “Would you ever send a nude?” Make it real and relevant. Include a crush, or a popular student, or her best friend’s older brother, or the preacher’s kid. 

If her first replies are simple, like “I’d just say no,” or “I’d block him,” push her a little further. What if there are repeated requests? Promises to keep it private? Persuasive arguments about why it’s no big deal or it will assure a relationship?

Once she imagines herself in a real-world scenario (especially if it’s one that is appealing to her), that’s when the magic happens. That’s when she’ll put a lot more thought into her responses, and come up with creative and brilliant solutions.

Sometimes she’ll come up with a funny or snarky response that shows humor yet lets the requestor know she’s not participating (one 8th grader told me she was asked to send a nude, and she sent a black screen with the comment “it’s dark in here, but this is all you get”). She might come up with a sincere reply like, “I can’t believe you’d ask for that. You seem like a nice person, but that’s just not appropriate.” And sometimes, a girl just has to make it stop with direct language like “STOP ASKING. I will report you.” 

 

Final assurances

Most of all, once she’s thought through possible responses, remind her that she should ALWAYS tell you or another trusted adult if she EVER feels threatened, harassed, or simply doesn’t know how to handle unwanted requests or unrequested sexts. And if she knows the requestor, and especially if it’s someone young, telling an adult can also help that person learn that unwanted sexting is no joke and that harassment and coercion are never appropriate. We all make mistakes, but when we learn from them, we do better.

 

In addition to the tip above, check out our Girlology TV episode with Girlology’s expert Dr. Megan Maas: Protecting Her From Sexy Selfies and Sexting.

And as always, don’t forget, with a Girlology membership, you get over 500 grade-by-grade videos and resources to support you and the girls you care for through every age and stage. Learn more HERE.