I’m going to borrow a phrase from Oprah and tell you one thing I know for sure:

Our kids do better in those really sticky situations when they’ve had some time to think about how they might respond before they face that challenge.

When they have time to process a potential struggle before it smacks them in the face, they react in a way that is less impulsive, and they make better choices. The biggest challenge is knowing what challenges are ahead.

That’s where you come in.

You have to get real about the stuff they may encounter. 

It may not sound like rocket science, but it really is proven brain science (and it’s great parenting advice). 

As a physician, it’s the reason I take extra time with every adolescent patient to mention things they are likely to encounter and ask them to consider how they would handle it – whether it’s side effects from a medication or someone handing them a vape. 

Why?

Despite its reputation for drama and impulsivity, the adolescent brain is a remarkable organ. When you present an adolescent with a challenging scenario, [not to scare you, but think vaping, sexting, porn, shoplifting, alcohol, even making mean comments on social media] they are very skilled at creative problem solving –  as long as they’re in a calm setting. However, when emotions or peer pressures are high, their critical thinking skills tank. They desperately need opportunities to practice engaging their brain when they’re calm.

Your Job

So, as the adult, you don’t need to give them solutions. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Just have a calm conversation about a challenge that might come up for them. Set the scene. Make it sound realistic. Let your child come up with the solutions – and just listen. Stay curious by asking “what then?” questions, but resist the urge to problem-solve for them.

They’ll be more prepared for performing in a pickle and their solutions will stick. When they think it up, they remember it better than remembering what you told them to do.

And don’t worry that talking about scary behaviors will give them new ideas to go out and try— that’s not how it works. There’s research evidence to prove that talking about sex or substances with your kids does NOT make them go out and try it.

If you need a softer start

If the tougher topics seem too daunting for now, you can start with other really easy stuff – like, “What will you do when you get your first period?” Or, “What would you do if you started your period at school and didn’t have any period products?” Or, “What can you say when you hear one of your friends talking mean about someone?”

Just start somewhere

More processing.

Less anxiety and drama.

I promise, it works.

Speaking of an easy topic like periods…if you’re wondering if her first period is close – we can help you with that in this tip “How to predict her first period.” And then if its close – don’t forget our 30- page free ebook for her – it covers ALL THE THINGS she needs to know when she starts her period. It’s called, You Got IT, and it’s available to all members.

 

Ready to become a Girlology member? Learn More HERE. 

As they leave elementary school and head into the hormone filled hallways of middle school where kids roam in herds instead of single file lines, and shiny cell phones replace plastic collectibles in the bus line, you can’t help but worry about whether you’ve prepared your child for life on this new academic and social planet.

Early in the school year is a perfect time to strengthen and discuss the safety net that will make life easier for your child in middle school and beyond. It’s woven together from many intertwining and overlapping pieces. Below are some sturdy ones that will give your child a head start on social and emotional health skills and provide important protection.

 

People who believe in her

Parents matter a lot, but it’s also important that your child sees others cheering her on and believing in her ability to succeed. Sometimes it’s a coach or a teacher, sometimes a youth group leader, sometimes it’s a sibling, a friend or a friend’s parent. Kids who don’t have others openly expressing their confidence in them have a hard time developing the confidence to believe in themselves.

 

A way out

Tweens love to blend in by following the crowd, but most tweens will tell you that the crowd doesn’t always behave in a way that is comfortable. When your child is uncomfortable or pressured in a group situation, make sure she has a way out. Have  a code phrase that she can text you when he needs a way out. Establish a phrase like, “can I stay???” or decide on an emoji which when texted to you really means “call me and tell me I have to come home now!” Their friends will never know they really just asked for help.

 

Affirmations

For many adolescents, self-esteem takes a nose dive around 12 or 13, and when it does, their self-talk becomes more and more negative. Help your child come up with a couple of phrases that they can say over and over to themselves when that voice in their head is telling them they aren’t good enough. Something as simple as “I deserve respect” or “I’m not stupid, I made a mistake,” or “I can do this.” If they learn to talk to themself like they would talk to a friend, they’re on the right track. 

 

Boundaries 

In middle school kids definitely will push some boundaries as they’re trying to establish their own. Some are simple, like later bedtimes or greater independence. Some are more serious, like relationship and even sexual boundaries. If they’re on their own to figure out boundaries, they frequently feel lost. It’s well established that adolescents need caring adults to help them establish those boundaries by sharing expectations and being consist. Even if it’s awkward, it’s time to talk with your child about boundaries — their own AND respecting others. Ask them first what they’re comfortable with, and THEN agree or offer a slightly different perspective based on your hopes and expectations. 

 

Values

If you haven’t had conversations about your family values, now is the time. Make sure your child understands what you consider important “in life” and your expectations for their future based on those values. For tweens & teens, it’s especially important to discuss values related to things like health, education, respect, honesty, love and relationships. As young people are exposed to peers from different backgrounds, they begin to explore and challenge many of the traditional values of their own families, but those with a good foundation, usually drift back toward to the values they grew up with. If a child doesn’t know what is expected of them, they are much more likely to be enticed into behavior patterns that are not in line with their values and goals.

 

A plan 

There’s no way to identify all the challenges your child will face in middle school and develop a plan for each one, however, you can practically count on your child being exposed to pornography and/or sexting by the time they finish middle school. A child that has a plan for how to respond to this specific challenge can avoid major damage and difficulty. That means it’s not only important to explain to your child what porn is and isn’t, but it’s more important to help them decide what to DO when they see it or receive a link to it. Same goes with sexting – whether your child receives a request for nudes, receives an image they didn’t even request, or is thinking about asking for a nude photo – having a witty or disengaging response and knowing what to do to avoid possession, habit formation, or personal humiliation is important prevention. (For more information on this conversation, go here). 

 

Followers 

Every tween wants followers, right? And every tween makes mistakes on social media – especially as they are learning the best ways to use it. Make sure your children have followers who not only follow them on social media, but check in with them in real life. Ask someone you trust to take on this role. Maybe it’s an older sibling, a youth leader, or a friend’s parent. Make sure they are willing to watch your child’s posts on social media and privately message her when she has overshared, over-exposed, or under-represented who she really is. A little help from people who are paying attention will help your child pay more attention and learn valuable lessons.

 

Humility

Every teen (and every parent) needs to understand and recognize that there will  always be people who seem to have more fun, more freedom, more money, more friends, more popularity, nicer stuff, better grades, and more skills than they do. Once your children accept this, they can focus on doing their personal best and sharing in others’ successes.

 

A sense of adventure

Nothing will teach your child more than trying new things, meeting new people, and taking healthy risks that stretch their mind and body. The adolescent brain craves thrills and excitement, and that comes in the form of risk taking. Make sure your child gets the opportunity to take healthy risks that take them out of their comfort zone (assuring they have their safety equipment and emotional safety net as back-ups). Taking healthy risks will fulfill the thrill-seeking needs of tweens & teens just as much as dangerous behaviors will. Remember that risk taking is required for teens, just encourage and allow healthy risk taking, so they don’t look for other ways to get their thrills.

 

Personal hygiene items

So this one’s a little different, but please don’t forget to make sure your child understands the importance of personal hygiene and how to use personal hygiene products (that you will hopefully provide for their backpack and PE bag!). The middle school staff will thank you!

 

We’d love to hear what else you’ll weave into her safety net? Leave us your tips in the comments.

 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More HERE. 

If you have a middle schooler or high schooler, NOW is a perfect time to have or update your Sexting Talk. Even if you think you’ve had this chat, feel free to bring it up again, because once is never enough when it comes to adolescents learning important lessons.

First, let me acknowledge that this can be a scary topic for any parent, but I’m here to confirm that it definitely falls under your job description as Chief Safety Officer 👩🏼‍✈️ and Queen of Damage Control.👸🏽 

Some Background:

For middle schoolers, who are typically just coming into sexual curiosity yet lack the confidence to explore it face to face, cell phones provide a way to test the waters. It’s not hard for their curiosity and impulsivity to overpower their common sense. As teens and their relationships mature, they may use sexting as part of consensual sharing of affection and “spice.” It’s not that different than the way their parents may have whispered sexy secrets or explored naked skin with curious eyes and wandering hands – except it’s virtual (which may seem less risky, but actually introduces a whole new frontier of risks😱).

Regardless of age, sexting is a confusing reality for young people because sexting as sexual exploration can be a pretty normal developmental curiosity, but it can also be abusive and carry significant legal risks. 

For parents, it’s a complicated discussion because research indicates that kids who both send and receive sexts are more popular. Furthermore, many young people believe that a “nude” sent without a face is no big deal. Yikes and yikes.

And then there are the legalities. Yes, it’s true that anyone under the age of 18 who takes a nude or partially nude selfie has produced child pornography according to the law. Similarly, anyone who sends or shares that photo is distributing child porn. States vary in how strict they pursue these cases, but there are definitely cases of minors being charged and required to register as sex crime offenders. Finally, there are also legal issues related to sending unrequested nudes or sending nudes that were consensually obtained, but without consent to distribute. It’s definitely complicated, and mistakes can be devastating.

See? There’s so much to talk about! But let’s simplify.

Let me address the knee-jerk response first: “Just say no,” and “Just don’t do it,” JUST DON’T WORK. There’s plenty of research to confirm that. Besides, by the time a child is in middle school, she is old enough to deserve honest answers and a more helpful conversation that will allow her successfully navigate challenges ahead. 

So what’s the best tactic to help your child avoid the risks associated with sexting? 

Turn it into a WHAT’S-YOUR-PLAN Talk. 

Assume your daughter is likely to receive a request to “send nudes,” and she’s likely to receive unrequested nudes (the dreaded “dick pic”). Based on current statistics of high school students, these are both accurate assumptions. Ask her to come up with a plan for both situations. Let her propose one solution, then ask for others. Add a complicating factor, then have her come up with an alternate response.  

Here’s why:

We know from adolescent brain development that young people are not great at thinking fast on their feet – especially in emotionally charged situations (“send nudes” carries a boatload of emotional charge related to social status and desirability). 

HOWEVER, when given time to think about and process challenging scenarios, they are brilliantly creative problem-solvers. This type of discussion is actually exercising her brain and preparing her to make decisions that are more in line with her values and goals for her own behavior. 

Here’s one way how:

Start with a story or propose a realistic challenge. Don’t just ask, “Would you ever send a nude?” Make it real and relevant. Include a crush, or a popular student, or her best friend’s older brother, or the preacher’s kid. 

If her first replies are simple, like “I’d just say no,” or “I’d block him,” push her a little further. What if there are repeated requests? Promises to keep it private? Persuasive arguments about why it’s no big deal or it will assure a relationship?

Once she imagines herself in a real-world scenario (especially if it’s one that is appealing to her), that’s when the magic happens. That’s when she’ll put a lot more thought into her responses, and come up with creative and brilliant solutions.

Sometimes she’ll come up with a funny or snarky response that shows humor yet lets the requestor know she’s not participating (one 8th grader told me she was asked to send a nude, and she sent a black screen with the comment “it’s dark in here, but this is all you get”). She might come up with a sincere reply like, “I can’t believe you’d ask for that. You seem like a nice person, but that’s just not appropriate.” And sometimes, a girl just has to make it stop with direct language like “STOP ASKING. I will report you.” 

 

Final assurances

Most of all, once she’s thought through possible responses, remind her that she should ALWAYS tell you or another trusted adult if she EVER feels threatened, harassed, or simply doesn’t know how to handle unwanted requests or unrequested sexts. And if she knows the requestor, and especially if it’s someone young, telling an adult can also help that person learn that unwanted sexting is no joke and that harassment and coercion are never appropriate. We all make mistakes, but when we learn from them, we do better.

 

In addition to the tip above, check out our Girlology TV episode with Girlology’s expert Dr. Megan Maas: Protecting Her From Sexy Selfies and Sexting.

And as always, don’t forget, with a Girlology membership, you get over 500 grade-by-grade videos and resources to support you and the girls you care for through every age and stage. Learn more HERE.