Those moods. As a parent, you watch them morph as your daughter cartwheels into adolescence and then slams the door in your face. 

Sometimes she’s her “usual” self. 😊 Sometimes she’s so …  👹 🐍 🥊 🎭 🛸 🗯 🤷🏾‍♀️.

There’s no doubt it worries you. We hear it all the time, “Is she just moody or could it be depression?”

YES to both. 

✅ Yes, she’s moody; bigger moods and rapid emotional surges 🎢 are a normal part of adolescent brain development (not just because of hormones!). I’ll be talking about that in an upcoming blog. She needs to learn how to manage her difficult emotions.

✅ Yes, it could be depression because after puberty, depression rates soar, especially for girls; we need to be vigilant and do what we can to prevent or help depression, right? 

Cue: Self Care. 

I’m not talking about cliche “treat yourself” indulgences.💅🏼🛍 True self care is taking the time to do the things that make us our best selves —  like human connections, healthy habits, taking time to reflect and plan. Self care is a powerful tool in managing moods, rising out of a mild depression, and maintaining health on a holistic level. 

In this tip Dr. Trish gives you 5 concrete and actionable ways to counter depression by guiding her toward self care. Nothing’s a quick fix, but establishing these habits can support her health long term. 

At the same time, understand the warning signs of depression because for some girls, there is no amount of self care that can prevent it or fix it.

So, back to the question all parents seem to ask at some point:

Is she just moody, or is she depressed?

Moody – grumpy, irritable, angry, crying, complaining – you know what “moody” looks like. A “depressed mood” can be part of that. If it’s normal adolescent moodiness, the “bad mood” doesn’t last long, and there are some “good moods” thrown in as well. If something fun comes along, she’s up for it. She’ll get up, get out, laugh, and participate in the stuff she usually likes to participate in. 

Depressed – can look a lot like moody, but it persists for more than a couple of weeks and begins to creep into other parts of her life to affect her sleep, activities, relationships, school work, energy level, and even her physical health. 

To add confusion, teens can be savvy about trying to get better on their own, so they may seek activities to “lift their mood.” That can look like spending more time with friends, thrill seeking, sexual behaviors, substance use. Contrary to the stereotype, a depressed teen isn’t always alone. Instead, she can actually look desperate for social connection and attention. For girls, in particular, they often seek other depressed peers and reinforce each other’s problems, sometimes intensifying the symptoms.

If your daughter is clearly having some normal adolescent moodiness, we feel you. We recommend you practice your deep breathing, calm responses, and maintaining your sense of humor. 

If you’re not sure her moods fall within the “normal” category, or if she has any other symptoms of depression, speak with her doctor or a counselor right away. 

There are many ways to successfully treat depression through talking therapy, medications, or both. With treatment, she can expect to feel better in a few weeks to months. Without treatment, depression is likely to worsen, last longer, and recur later in life. 

Remember that depression is a medical diagnosis that causes changes in the brain structure and chemistry. It is neither a weakness nor a parenting failure. 

Never ever hesitate to seek help.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Recently, I found something helpful – really helpful. I landed on some work by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D., a health psychologist who is re-engineering the way we should think about stress. She does a beautiful job translating neuroscience research into practical tips for health. And since right now is a perfect time to practice stress management, I wanted to share two interesting ideas.

If you rethink the way you see stress, it can change your health.

We’ve taught for decades that stress makes you sick. Newer neuroscience research is finding that your mindset matters. Stress only makes you sick IF you believe it’s bad for you. In fact, if you see stress as something that helps you prepare for challenges ahead, it actually creates health. If we change the way we think about stress, we can actually change our body’s response to it.

Stress creates a natural need for connection with other humans

This point is super cool and taught me something new about oxytocin. You may know oxytocin as the “cuddle” hormone; it’s released when we nurse our baby or when we are wrapped in a warm hug. 

What I didn’t realize is that oxytocin is also a stress hormone (as much as adrenaline is), and it offers natural anti-inflammatory effects – therefore it’s healing. Its release prompts us to seek support from others. When we connect with others, we get even more oxytocin, and that helps us heal faster. Through another study, she showed how caring for others creates resilience to the  health conditions typically related to stress. 

Dr. McGonigal sums it up best in two sentences:

“When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience.”

The world is stressful right now for all of us, but especially for young people who have brains with a heightened sensitivity to fear and worry. It can help us all to know that we have some control over how we allow the stress to affect us. As your child’s biggest health influencer, you can help them reframe their mindset around stress (while working on it yourself). 

• How is stress preparing us for something ahead? 
• How are we connecting with others to help us de-stress? 
• Can we explore ways to care for others? 

These are simple and proven steps that can help you to help your children grow resilience. Have you seen these things work in your own life? Sharing our stories of overcoming hardships and stress also help us connect with each other and grow through it  – together.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists outlining on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Real quick – Tell me what word you would use to label this group of emotions:

happy, joyful, confident, excited, victorious 😁

Ok, how about these?

angry, jealous, sad, lonely, scared 😭

Did you use positive and negative? Good and bad? Healthy and unhealthy?

When I ask teen girls to label them, those are the most common words I hear.

It’s easy to see why the second group is considered negative or undesirable, but honestly, they’re ALL good because they’re all necessary. It’s just that some are a lot more comfortable than others.

If we want to help our daughters manage their emotional health, we have to help them get more comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. That means we probably have some work to do ourselves, because watching our daughters when they’re hurting brings out the “fixer” in most of us. 🙋🏻‍♀️

Instead of trying to “fix” her feelings or ignore them by suggesting ice cream and new clothes, try to allow her some space and time to sit with those uncomfortable feelings (this is hard work for her and for you!).

Remind yourself that her emotions are not caused by hormones (although hormones can magnify normal emotions), and her reactions are not “silly.” Instead, remember that her emotions are responses to things she has experienced – real or perceived, and she is learning how to process those things. That takes time.

Giving her some time doesn’t mean leaving her alone for days on end. But it does mean

• giving her some time alone if she wants it,
• sitting quietly with her if she doesn’t want to talk,
• listening without fixing when she’s ready to talk, and
• helping her think through ways to feel better when she’s ready.

Sometimes she’s with her feelings for 10 minutes or less, then on to her next activity as if her emotional explosion never happened. Other times, she may need you to offer an activity or distraction if she’s lingering too long (nobody should stay too late at a pity party). 

Ok, so here comes the take home: Let’s remind our girls (and ourselves) that some emotions are uncomfortable, but the more they learn to manage them in healthy ways (talking, journaling, processing), the stronger they become. That’s how resilience works, and it’s a powerful protector. We help girls build those skills in our class, Be You.  

One more thing… speaking of emotional health, when these uncomfortable emotions happen frequently over an extended period of time (weeks), it makes us worry that she may be headed toward depression. Learn more about prevention or early intervention for depression HERE.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

If you were to take a few minutes before bed every night for a week to ponder and write down “Three Good Things” from your day, research says you’d experience an increase in happiness, hope, and optimism. If you were to stick with it longer, you’d grow resilience and you might also boost your immune system. Sound too good to be true? Three Good Things is one of the most well-known and well-studied tools of positive psychology. 

Seems like we should get our kids on board with it, right? 

So I tried.

When my kids were still in elementary school, we would do something similar at the dinner table every evening. We started each dinner by asking each person tell three good things from their day. We could hardly keep each of our girls from interrupting each other with their joyous lists of daily highlights. 🤗

Then came adolescence, and suddenly, our happy habit was “stupid” or met with silent, squinty glares. 🙄

Our forced family happiness exercise was ruining our family dinners. 

You know what else ruins a family dinner? 

The natural conversations that flow when dinner starts off with sighs and eye rolls over a happiness exercise. Next thing you know, you’re bringing up bad grades, forgotten chores, dirty rooms, and screen time.

Who wants to sit at that table? 😠😫😔

Eventually, everyone will be looking for a way out, and it becomes way too easy to let them all skip the dinner table and eat on their own schedules.

So, if you have adolescents, it’s time to be more strategic about meal time as well as the moods they may bring to the table. To help, I have two very simple recommendations:  

1.) Make the dinner table a place where the adults are not allowed to make any negative comments or observations. If the kids bring up emotionally charged topics. This is your chance to practice the 5 tips we shared in our Girlology TV episode on puberty, moods & attitudes. Members can watch it HERE.

2). Make eating together a priority whenever you can, because shared mealtime PROTECTS our kids from many of the things we worry about. Like what? Depression, disordered eating, unhealthy risk taking and it BOOSTS a lot of qualities we hope for, like self esteem, vocabulary, and even academic performance. Members can learn more about the benefits of shared mealtimes in our tip, Family Meals are Good Medicine. Even a couple times a week helps, and the meal doesn’t always have to be dinner! 

What works for you and your kids at mealtimes? Let us know in the comments! 🍴🥗🍕🍛🧇

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More HERE.