Recently, I found something helpful – really helpful. I landed on some work by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D., a health psychologist who is re-engineering the way we should think about stress. She does a beautiful job translating neuroscience research into practical tips for health. And since right now is a perfect time to practice stress management, I wanted to share two interesting ideas.

If you rethink the way you see stress, it can change your health.

We’ve taught for decades that stress makes you sick. Newer neuroscience research is finding that your mindset matters. Stress only makes you sick IF you believe it’s bad for you. In fact, if you see stress as something that helps you prepare for challenges ahead, it actually creates health. If we change the way we think about stress, we can actually change our body’s response to it.

Stress creates a natural need for connection with other humans

This point is super cool and taught me something new about oxytocin. You may know oxytocin as the “cuddle” hormone; it’s released when we nurse our baby or when we are wrapped in a warm hug. 

What I didn’t realize is that oxytocin is also a stress hormone (as much as adrenaline is), and it offers natural anti-inflammatory effects – therefore it’s healing. Its release prompts us to seek support from others. When we connect with others, we get even more oxytocin, and that helps us heal faster. Through another study, she showed how caring for others creates resilience to the  health conditions typically related to stress. 

Dr. McGonigal sums it up best in two sentences:

“When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience.”

The world is stressful right now for all of us, but especially for young people who have brains with a heightened sensitivity to fear and worry. It can help us all to know that we have some control over how we allow the stress to affect us. As your child’s biggest health influencer, you can help them reframe their mindset around stress (while working on it yourself). 

• How is stress preparing us for something ahead? 
• How are we connecting with others to help us de-stress? 
• Can we explore ways to care for others? 

These are simple and proven steps that can help you to help your children grow resilience. Have you seen these things work in your own life? Sharing our stories of overcoming hardships and stress also help us connect with each other and grow through it  – together.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists outlining on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

The self consciousness that arrives during puberty for almost every girl isn’t just related to her changing body. Her changing brain heightens her awareness of how others perceive her. Are they judging her? Most likely, she thinks they are, even when they’re not.

A friend recently shared with me that her daughter was struggling with a school assignment, and when mom suggested she ask a classmate or talk with her teacher, she had a list of excuses —

• She didn’t want to bother anyone.
• She didn’t want to look stupid
• She didn’t want them to think she wasn’t paying attention when the assignment was discussed.
• She was worried she would feel judged and ultimately embarrassed.

 

Why is asking for help so hard? 

We’ve had to address this same struggle in our own home, and one thing I shared with my daughter that seemed to resonate was this: 

 

It’s important to remember that asking someone else to help you, doesn’t make them judge you; it makes them care more about you. When they have personally invested their energy into helping you, they want to see you succeed and they are more likely to support you.

This is similar to something the business world calls the IKEA effect. Basically, people place a higher value on things they personally help create. It’s also likely they care more about people they personally help. Maybe this resonated for her because she and I recently assembled a pain-in-the-arse dresser from IKEA that we both excessively adore now.

If your daughter doesn’t fall for the business psychology explanation – maybe she’ll listen to the GOAT* – Simone Biles, *Greatest Of All Times gymnast who spoke to the national meeting of the American Academy of Pediatrics after withdrawing from the Olympic finals a couple years ago.

If anyone can relate to being fearful of judgment and humiliation, it’s Simone. But she has bravely asked for help on more than one occasion and learned to express her needs honestly.

 

She asked pediatricians to share this message with their patients:

“It’s scary speaking up at a younger age, but if you start telling your parent or peers what you are going through, they can understand and can get you help quicker so you won’t have to struggle alone… As humans , we don’t want to be a burden and want to figure it out on our own, but at the end of the day, sometimes it’s not possible and we have to ask for help, and that’s OK.”

 

How did it go when the GOAT asked for help?  

“…For my decision in Tokyo, I expected more backlash, but what I got was an overwhelming outpouring of support and love and understanding…”

And just look at where she is now. She got the help she needed, and has made an incredible comeback (if you haven’t seen – she’s crushing it in competition again)! 

So, if your child is resistant to speaking up or asking for help, it may be a temporary hiccup that resolves with a little pep talk and support. A bit of self-consciousness is a normal part of adolescent development that waxes and wanes in different situations.

However, if your child is not able to participate in her usual activities because of an outright fear of being judged or humiliated — she may have full blown social anxiety which definitely should activate a call to your pediatrician or a child & adolescent psychologist.

We have a lot more content on anxiety including a deeper discussion HERE that offers parenting tips to help her overcome social discomfort, and a tool HERE to help determine whether she has normal anxieties or may have an anxiety disorder.  

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Have you ever considered lowering expectations to avoid disappointment? 

Guilty. 🙋🏻‍♀️

I’ve not only thought it, I’m pretty sure I’ve said it out loud – to myself and to my children. 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

But what if I told you that when you expect the best outcome, it is scientifically more likely to happen. 

Not by coincidence, 🎲

but according to science backed by numerous well-designed research studies.🔬

 

The power of suggestion is a real phenomenon. 

 

Once we expect something to happen, our thoughts, behaviors, and responses actually work behind the scenes (i.e. in our sub-conscience) to make that thing happen. 

 

Think something is going to be painful? You will experience more pain. 

Think something is going to be difficult? You will make it more difficult for yourself.

Think you are going to excel at a task? You probably will.

Think you’re going to experience side effects of a medicine? You probably will, even if you’ve been given a placebo.

 

The brain is powerful beyond what we understand. 🧠

 

Recent research from the field of Psychology suggests this happens because of our “response expectancies.” Once we expect something, our subsequent thoughts and behaviors will actually help bring that outcome into being.

 It’s the power of positive thinking. Affirmations. Setting intentions. Metaphysics. We see it all over the self-help world because there’s really something to it.

To me, The most interesting thing out of this study also showed that it’s not just about SELF help. It’s also clear that the suggestions we communicate to others (openly or subconsciously) have a big impact. 

 

Do you expect her to be difficult? She’ll be more difficult. 😡

Do you expect her to be kind? Watch her kindness grow. 💗

Do you see her as capable? Watch her skills grow. 💪🏽

 

We all have to be mindful of what we suggest to and expect from our children. 

 

If we can get better at suggesting success and wellness and responsibility (and believing it ourselves), their thoughts, behaviors and outcomes will be more likely to follow that path.

 

Want a practical application? Flu shot season is approaching. Do you anticipate that she’ll feel ill after her flu shot? 😷🤒🤧

 If you do, watch this tip, and suggest to her that she will be just fine! 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More