No matter what age or gender your child is… the holidays are a great time to help her (and your family / friends) understand and model giving and receiving CONSENT. 

When most parents hear us mention CONSENT, they assume we’re talking about teens and sexual activity, but our children get messages about consent and boundaries at EVERY age as they see it being modeled — or not. It doesn’t take deep conversations; it’s all about showing them (and helping the adults and other children around them participate, too).

Why does it matter if she’s still young? When we make an effort to model consent in our own family, 

• our children grow up feeling more agency over their own bodies, 
• they develop important communication skills, 
• and they (and the adults around them) also learn to manage the emotions that may come with rejection. 

These are all essential skills  that improve their ability to be in safe and healthy relationships – in childhood and beyond.

SO, if you’re ready to start building the foundation, here are 2 tips for creating a culture of consent in your circle of family & friends.

1. SHOW them what it looks like to respect the word “NO” – not just when it comes from YOU.

If they’re going to grow up believing that “no means no,” they have to SEE it in action. So, whenever a child says NO or STOP, you stop, and you hold everyone accountable to do the same — including siblings.

Establishing strict enforcement around the word “no” teaches kids that their voice matters, and it also models respecting each others’ boundaries. There are a lot of places you can apply this at home, but one easy example is around tickling. So many kids love to be tickled….  until they don’t… (I’m looking at all your fun uncles here!).

So, the first time she says STOP, no matter how giggly it comes out, make sure all tickling stops. immediately.

Another example is around food. If you want a french fry – don’t just snag one. ASK.  And then RESPECT her answer. You want her to experience having her voice heard and that it matters.

2. Acknowledge boundaries by ASKING PERMISSION  – 

As parents, it’s easy to lose sight of privacy and boundaries with our children because we’ve cared for them since birth. But as children become more independent, we need to see them as individuals who deserve body autonomy and the right to privacy — that means we ASK before doing things like…

Walking into their room without knocking

Looking through their backpack

Posting their photo on line

And MOST IMPORTANTLY- giving or demanding physical affection.

Let me expand on that one for a second because …. I’m a hugger, and I catch myself throwing my arms around my daughter’s friends without asking – so I’m working on this one myself, but it happens all the time with kids – grown ups say “Give me a hug” or “go kiss your grandmother goodbye.”

I know, it seems so harmless, but all it does is make kids the object of someone else’s desires and it gives them no choice except to comply or be rude. 

So when you start asking permission, make sure you’re also offering respectful replies. Here’s what that can look like:

“Can I check your backpack? NO? Ok, we can look through it together or you can check it.”

“Can I post this picture of you on facebook? No? I respect that.”

“Do you wanna kiss grandma goodbye? NO? How about a high five or just a wave?”

Respecting kids boundaries teaches them that theycan say no, but still show affection in other ways or find common ground that feels more comfortable.

Children deserve to feel agency over their own bodies and they need space to practice the communication skills that make them feel respected and safe in relationships. The best way to make this happen is to start at home and at family gatherings. If you need to have a quick pow wow with family members beforehand – do it; or share this blog with them to start the conversation. 

Happy gathering!  

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‘From first periods through the fertility gamut and into the sputtering flow of menopause, period tracking is important for many health and personal reasons. Today, it’s as easy as opening an app and selecting the number of blood drops on the right day to trigger a notification telling you when to stock up on tampons and chocolate – or warn your family to tread lightly – or let you know that something’s “off” you should call your doctor. 

So why shouldn’t a young girl new to periods, join the 50 million+ using period tracking apps? 

Fertility-Centric.
The most popular period tracking apps are centered around getting or not getting pregnant by predicting ovulation. Some have been developed by companies that sell ovulation detector kits or paired devices to collect biometric data like temperature, sleep and heart rate to boost the effectiveness of conception or contraception goals. It’s also common for these apps to prompt her to record sexual activity, send her notifications about her fertile time, and offer tips for keeping the bedroom frisky and fun. 

Although some offer additional educational content, most of the education is around TTC (trying to conceive), contraception, or sexual health. Girls can certainly turn off notifications and tailor the content to be less fertility-focused, but none of these apps are thinking about helping young girls adjust to periods or understand their changing body.

Adult Focused.
If she just wants to know when to expect her next period, apps can confuse her or create anxiety because they are based on adult menstrual cycles, not adolescents. Most apps continue to suggest that the “normal” menstrual cycle is consistently 28 days with little variation from cycle to cycle – when that’s just baloney. Only about 15% of women actually have 28 day cycles, and most have variation from cycle to cycle of up to 5 days. For teens, normal cycle lengths are 21-45 days, and the cycle to cycle variation is even greater. There’s no need to use any app that can raise her anxiety or make her doubt her own body rather than the app’s accuracy. 

On a more positive note, many of the apps have space for noting common (constipation, acne, headaches, mood shifts) or individualized (asthma attacks, Crohns flares) symptoms. Symptom tracking can help users recognize symptom patterns or identify when personal health conditions are affected by the menstrual cycle (which happens a lot).

Her Privacy
Period trackers are a profitable industry and they collect highly personal health information from millions of users. With recent criminalization of abortion in many states, there are legitimate concerns about how menstrual cycle data may be used or shared.

Although the apps collect private health data, the companies that own them are not bound by HIPPA or healthcare legislation, but only by the app store that hosts them. So the app companies decide for themselves how they will handle your data. No laws prohibit them from sharing user information with advertisers, insurance companies, law enforcement, or any rando. So, for now, period tracking apps may not be a safe or trusted place for keeping up with her menstrual cycle or other sensitive health data.

Then what’s a girl to do?

For my adolescent patients, I always recommend an old-school menstrual calendar, like this one we make available through Girlology. 

It’s a simple, notecard sized calendar that allows a full year of tracking and provides a visual representation of emerging patterns (which SHOULD start to happen after her first 3 periods). 

For me (as a gynecologist) it’s incredibly helpful as a diagnostic tool for identifying irregular patterns, excessive flow, or troublesome symptoms.

It’s also preferable (to me and my patients) to having her hand over her phone so I can swipe through whichever app she’s using to search for the data I really need. 

As your daughter reaches that milestone of menarche (that’s the medical term for her first period), you can download our menstrual calendar HERE. 

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Don’t you hate it when she misses out on something fun or important? 

We worry enough about our daughters’ social media generated FOMO (fear of missing out), but I think there’s a FOHMO (fear of HER missing out) that we parents have, even though we understand that missing out on things is just part of life; they can’t do everything. 

But… 

I want my daughters to have every opportunity to learn, to have fun, to belong, to try new things. And when they miss out, I sometimes find myself feeling disappointed, even a little anxious. 

Is that FOHMO or is it just being a Mama Bear? 

When I worry she’s missing something important, I hear my own anxieties as a nagging voice in my head – “ Will missing that make her feel like an outsider?” “How can she make up for that missed opportunity?” or “What if she doesn’t get another chance to experience that?”

I know – my internal voice is tough!

Obviously, we can “what if…” ourselves into full blown anxiety if we don’t learn to control what we CAN control and let go of what we CAN’T control. 

Even as I raise my third daughter, I find this to be a personal challenge as well as a pretty universal parenting challenge. Don’t we all want to provide as many opportunities as we can to prepare them for a confident, healthy, and bright future? 

When I’m feeling anxious about her missing out on something, I try to stay grounded by doing these two things:

1.) Check my own parenting anxieties against what is truly going to protect and prepare her. Am I anxious because I feel pressure to look good as a parent, or is it because I am honestly concerned that she will suffer significantly? I emphasize significantly because some degree of suffering is inevitable and even necessary in life. That may sound harsh, but if you want to know more, check out our most recent Girlology TV interview on Reducing Anxiety with clinical psychologist, Dr. Cora Ezzell.  

2.) Keep things factual, realistic, and as practical as possible. What are the facts? Are there other opportunities that would provide a similar experience? Is there a different approach? Is it worth the trouble?

It’s a lot to think about, but the more I practice, the faster it happens in my head, and the better prepared I feel to help her (and myself) manage the missing out or let it go. 

So in the vein of things we CAN control, let me exchange my mama bear coat for my white coat and tell you the most important thing you can do right now to keep her from missing out on learning, having fun, and trying new things is to protect her from the things that will make her miss out. 

So, take her to get her flu shot. 

Seriously. It’s that time of year.

Influenza causes more “missing out” than mean girls’ birthday parties! 

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