Those moods. As a parent, you watch them morph as your daughter cartwheels into adolescence and then slams the door in your face. 

Sometimes she’s her “usual” self. 😊 Sometimes she’s so …  👹 🐍 🥊 🎭 🛸 🗯 🤷🏾‍♀️.

There’s no doubt it worries you. We hear it all the time, “Is she just moody or could it be depression?”

YES to both. 

✅ Yes, she’s moody; bigger moods and rapid emotional surges 🎢 are a normal part of adolescent brain development (not just because of hormones!). I’ll be talking about that in an upcoming blog. She needs to learn how to manage her difficult emotions.

✅ Yes, it could be depression because after puberty, depression rates soar, especially for girls; we need to be vigilant and do what we can to prevent or help depression, right? 

Cue: Self Care. 

I’m not talking about cliche “treat yourself” indulgences.💅🏼🛍 True self care is taking the time to do the things that make us our best selves —  like human connections, healthy habits, taking time to reflect and plan. Self care is a powerful tool in managing moods, rising out of a mild depression, and maintaining health on a holistic level. 

In this tip Dr. Trish gives you 5 concrete and actionable ways to counter depression by guiding her toward self care. Nothing’s a quick fix, but establishing these habits can support her health long term. 

At the same time, understand the warning signs of depression because for some girls, there is no amount of self care that can prevent it or fix it.

So, back to the question all parents seem to ask at some point:

Is she just moody, or is she depressed?

Moody – grumpy, irritable, angry, crying, complaining – you know what “moody” looks like. A “depressed mood” can be part of that. If it’s normal adolescent moodiness, the “bad mood” doesn’t last long, and there are some “good moods” thrown in as well. If something fun comes along, she’s up for it. She’ll get up, get out, laugh, and participate in the stuff she usually likes to participate in. 

Depressed – can look a lot like moody, but it persists for more than a couple of weeks and begins to creep into other parts of her life to affect her sleep, activities, relationships, school work, energy level, and even her physical health. 

To add confusion, teens can be savvy about trying to get better on their own, so they may seek activities to “lift their mood.” That can look like spending more time with friends, thrill seeking, sexual behaviors, substance use. Contrary to the stereotype, a depressed teen isn’t always alone. Instead, she can actually look desperate for social connection and attention. For girls, in particular, they often seek other depressed peers and reinforce each other’s problems, sometimes intensifying the symptoms.

If your daughter is clearly having some normal adolescent moodiness, we feel you. We recommend you practice your deep breathing, calm responses, and maintaining your sense of humor. 

If you’re not sure her moods fall within the “normal” category, or if she has any other symptoms of depression, speak with her doctor or a counselor right away. 

There are many ways to successfully treat depression through talking therapy, medications, or both. With treatment, she can expect to feel better in a few weeks to months. Without treatment, depression is likely to worsen, last longer, and recur later in life. 

Remember that depression is a medical diagnosis that causes changes in the brain structure and chemistry. It is neither a weakness nor a parenting failure. 

Never ever hesitate to seek help.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

Real quick – Tell me what word you would use to label this group of emotions:

happy, joyful, confident, excited, victorious 😁

Ok, how about these?

angry, jealous, sad, lonely, scared 😭

Did you use positive and negative? Good and bad? Healthy and unhealthy?

When I ask teen girls to label them, those are the most common words I hear.

It’s easy to see why the second group is considered negative or undesirable, but honestly, they’re ALL good because they’re all necessary. It’s just that some are a lot more comfortable than others.

If we want to help our daughters manage their emotional health, we have to help them get more comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. That means we probably have some work to do ourselves, because watching our daughters when they’re hurting brings out the “fixer” in most of us. 🙋🏻‍♀️

Instead of trying to “fix” her feelings or ignore them by suggesting ice cream and new clothes, try to allow her some space and time to sit with those uncomfortable feelings (this is hard work for her and for you!).

Remind yourself that her emotions are not caused by hormones (although hormones can magnify normal emotions), and her reactions are not “silly.” Instead, remember that her emotions are responses to things she has experienced – real or perceived, and she is learning how to process those things. That takes time.

Giving her some time doesn’t mean leaving her alone for days on end. But it does mean

• giving her some time alone if she wants it,
• sitting quietly with her if she doesn’t want to talk,
• listening without fixing when she’s ready to talk, and
• helping her think through ways to feel better when she’s ready.

Sometimes she’s with her feelings for 10 minutes or less, then on to her next activity as if her emotional explosion never happened. Other times, she may need you to offer an activity or distraction if she’s lingering too long (nobody should stay too late at a pity party). 

Ok, so here comes the take home: Let’s remind our girls (and ourselves) that some emotions are uncomfortable, but the more they learn to manage them in healthy ways (talking, journaling, processing), the stronger they become. That’s how resilience works, and it’s a powerful protector. We help girls build those skills in our class, Be You.  

One more thing… speaking of emotional health, when these uncomfortable emotions happen frequently over an extended period of time (weeks), it makes us worry that she may be headed toward depression. Learn more about prevention or early intervention for depression HERE.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

When things are unpredictable, it’s normal to feel anxious (hello new school year; hello puberty). 

When adults are anxious, kids absorb that anxiety and add it to their own, magnifying the impact. And when kids are anxious (like maybe now as they see the back to school supplies rolling out), it’s really common to see it in their behaviors: avoidance, meltdowns, overreactions, one-track-thinking.

As parents, it’s natural to want to “fix” everything, but it’s so much better if we teach our children healthy ways to manage those big emotions on their own. 

My favorite DIY tool for anxiety is a glitter jar. I promise, it can help anyone (including you), and there are several uses. Highly respected mental health and mindfulness experts endorse the glitter jar for a variety of uses: a daily mindfulness practice, increasing focus & mental clarity, or simply settling the mind when it’s overwhelmed with big emotions.

Our discussion with Dr. Lisa Damour explained best HOW and WHY it helps with anxiety and emotional meltdowns. You can check out that discussion HERE, so no need for me to repeat it, BUT I’m going to share with you how to make one (because I love anything crafty).

Remind your child that the glitter jar represents our mind when we’re calm compared to when we’re upset, angry or distracted. When the glitter is settled on the bottom, we can see clearly through the fluid just like when we’re focused and calm, our mind can think clearly.

Shaking the jar is like being upset or distracted – thoughts, like the glitter, are swirling and it’s hard to think clearly. So when your child is experiencing big emotions (or just needs to focus or relax) – have her shake the glitter jar, set it down, and watch it.

As the glitter settles, so will her mind and her emotions, allowing her to think and communicate more clearly.

It’s like magic.

Here’s what you’ll need to make one:

• Plastic water bottle or glass jar + lid (consider your child’s age and risk of breaking it)
• Clear School Glue
• Glitter + maybe some larger stars or other shaped sparkles
• Warm Water
• A funnel (you can make one out of paper) 
• Hot glue optional but recommended

Here’s how to make it:

1. Fill about ¼ of the bottle with glue (more glue = longer time for glitter to settle)
2. Add about 1-2 tablespoons of glitter (and a few larger sparkles if you want) using the funnel. 
3. Fill the rest of the bottle with warm water but leave a little room at the top.
4. Cap the bottle and shake it to see if you want to add more glue, more glitter, or just more water.
5. Once you have it right, fill the rest of the bottle, add a little hot glue or regular glue to the threads on the cap, and screw it on. 

I highly recommend everyone in your family makes their own (just be prepared to practice your own deep breathing or mindfulness as they scatter glitter in the process). 🧘🏽‍♀️

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

If you have a middle schooler or high schooler, NOW is a perfect time to have or update your Sexting Talk. Even if you think you’ve had this chat, feel free to bring it up again, because once is never enough when it comes to adolescents learning important lessons.

First, let me acknowledge that this can be a scary topic for any parent, but I’m here to confirm that it definitely falls under your job description as Chief Safety Officer 👩🏼‍✈️ and Queen of Damage Control.👸🏽 

Some Background:

For middle schoolers, who are typically just coming into sexual curiosity yet lack the confidence to explore it face to face, cell phones provide a way to test the waters. It’s not hard for their curiosity and impulsivity to overpower their common sense. As teens and their relationships mature, they may use sexting as part of consensual sharing of affection and “spice.” It’s not that different than the way their parents may have whispered sexy secrets or explored naked skin with curious eyes and wandering hands – except it’s virtual (which may seem less risky, but actually introduces a whole new frontier of risks😱).

Regardless of age, sexting is a confusing reality for young people because sexting as sexual exploration can be a pretty normal developmental curiosity, but it can also be abusive and carry significant legal risks. 

For parents, it’s a complicated discussion because research indicates that kids who both send and receive sexts are more popular. Furthermore, many young people believe that a “nude” sent without a face is no big deal. Yikes and yikes.

And then there are the legalities. Yes, it’s true that anyone under the age of 18 who takes a nude or partially nude selfie has produced child pornography according to the law. Similarly, anyone who sends or shares that photo is distributing child porn. States vary in how strict they pursue these cases, but there are definitely cases of minors being charged and required to register as sex crime offenders. Finally, there are also legal issues related to sending unrequested nudes or sending nudes that were consensually obtained, but without consent to distribute. It’s definitely complicated, and mistakes can be devastating.

See? There’s so much to talk about! But let’s simplify.

Let me address the knee-jerk response first: “Just say no,” and “Just don’t do it,” JUST DON’T WORK. There’s plenty of research to confirm that. Besides, by the time a child is in middle school, she is old enough to deserve honest answers and a more helpful conversation that will allow her successfully navigate challenges ahead. 

So what’s the best tactic to help your child avoid the risks associated with sexting? 

Turn it into a WHAT’S-YOUR-PLAN Talk. 

Assume your daughter is likely to receive a request to “send nudes,” and she’s likely to receive unrequested nudes (the dreaded “dick pic”). Based on current statistics of high school students, these are both accurate assumptions. Ask her to come up with a plan for both situations. Let her propose one solution, then ask for others. Add a complicating factor, then have her come up with an alternate response.  

Here’s why:

We know from adolescent brain development that young people are not great at thinking fast on their feet – especially in emotionally charged situations (“send nudes” carries a boatload of emotional charge related to social status and desirability). 

HOWEVER, when given time to think about and process challenging scenarios, they are brilliantly creative problem-solvers. This type of discussion is actually exercising her brain and preparing her to make decisions that are more in line with her values and goals for her own behavior. 

Here’s one way how:

Start with a story or propose a realistic challenge. Don’t just ask, “Would you ever send a nude?” Make it real and relevant. Include a crush, or a popular student, or her best friend’s older brother, or the preacher’s kid. 

If her first replies are simple, like “I’d just say no,” or “I’d block him,” push her a little further. What if there are repeated requests? Promises to keep it private? Persuasive arguments about why it’s no big deal or it will assure a relationship?

Once she imagines herself in a real-world scenario (especially if it’s one that is appealing to her), that’s when the magic happens. That’s when she’ll put a lot more thought into her responses, and come up with creative and brilliant solutions.

Sometimes she’ll come up with a funny or snarky response that shows humor yet lets the requestor know she’s not participating (one 8th grader told me she was asked to send a nude, and she sent a black screen with the comment “it’s dark in here, but this is all you get”). She might come up with a sincere reply like, “I can’t believe you’d ask for that. You seem like a nice person, but that’s just not appropriate.” And sometimes, a girl just has to make it stop with direct language like “STOP ASKING. I will report you.” 

Final assurances

Most of all, once she’s thought through possible responses, remind her that she should ALWAYS tell you or another trusted adult if she EVER feels threatened, harassed, or simply doesn’t know how to handle unwanted requests or unrequested sexts. And if she knows the requestor, and especially if it’s someone young, telling an adult can also help that person learn that unwanted sexting is no joke and that harassment and coercion are never appropriate. We all make mistakes, but when we learn from them, we do better.

In addition to the tip above, check out our Girlology TV episode with Girlology’s expert Dr. Megan Maas: Protecting Her From Sexy Selfies and Sexting.

And as always, don’t forget, with a Girlology membership, you get over 500 grade-by-grade videos and resources to support you and the girls you care for through every age and stage. Learn more HERE. 

I love this time of year. Have you seen the new middle schoolers? 

They look so young and innocent stepping through the school doors. They enter with eyes wide open, brains like sponges, and bodies in such a goofy array of morphing sizes and shapes. Over the next three years, the transitions will be remarkable. 

And I’m not just talking about their bodies. Although body changes may be in the forefront, there’s a new phase of brain growth that begins in puberty. It has huge implications. 

This phase opens up an unparalleled opportunity for nailing down prevention messages. To keep it simple, there are FOUR major brain changes that make it the perfect time. I want to share them with you along with some ways you can use them to your benefit (and ultimately hers).

🧠 She’s developing new abilities in reasoning and understanding.

👉🏼 Include her in discussions of complex topics and alternate viewpoints.

🧠 She thrives when she takes risks and experiences thrills. 

👉🏼 Encourage healthy risk taking.

🧠 Her brain will live in “go” mode without any semblance of reliable “brakes.”

👉🏼 Present her with challenging situations and have her think through options and possible consequences.

🧠 She is purging brain “data” that hasn’t been used in a while, and laying down permanent circuits based on things she does, thinks and sees over and over. 

👉🏼 Encourage her to spend time developing skills she hopes to have for life.

And I’m just going to put it out there that the second they cross that middle school threshold, prevention messages can be about anything and everything. 

For instance, by middle school, your child knows something about sex whether you’ve discussed it with her or not. She knows what a lot of those explicit song lyrics are referring to. She’s seen or will see some adult content that her friends – real or virtual – are sharing. There’s so much. (If this worries you, I encourage you to watch our Science of Reproduction Class with her to provide her with the facts and start a healthier conversation than she’ll hear at school). 

It’s time to engage her in conversations about ALL of these things.

I don’t mean to overwhelm you. Take it one chat at a time. But, let me reassure you that she WANTS to hear from you (whether she acts like she’s listening or not — she hears you), and now is a perfect time when her brain is primed for prevention messages and middle school culture is offering up lots of new ideas and information.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More HERE.