If you haven’t told your child about sex by 4th grade, I hope you’ll read this. 

Every year, I seem to get at least one phone call from a panic-stricken mom with a child in the third or fourth grade. It usually goes something like this (in a flustered whisper)…

“Help!! My precious, innocent little [insert child’s name] just came home from school and told me that one of her friends told her what sex is. She wanted to know how I could let her daddy do that to me. 

When I asked her to share what she learned, her description included words like ‘under the sheets,’ ‘wiggling,’ and ‘poking.’ She seems upset and scared. Now what do I do?!?!”

That’s the reality with late elementary age children. There will always be some kids in the class that have older siblings who have shared “the big secret” about sex. Or perhaps there’s a precocious child who has developed his or her own definition based on unsupervised time with the media. 

No matter the source, most of the time, what’s being shared among elementary school friends about that mysterious word is shaded with a “naughty” flavor that makes the whole story seem dirty and awful. 

And that’s the start of many myths that circulate throughout the years to come.

How do we protect our young children from the scary and negative messages about sex? 

We have to get to them first!

Really. YOU need to be her “informant.”

If you can turn the “sex” talk into a special event with your child, you can keep the message accurate, simple, positive, and full of the miraculous wonder that reproduction really does hold. And there’s no better age than 8 or 9 for this message. Any older, and it’s super likely they have already heard “stuff” and find the whole topic gross and embarrassing. 

But at 8 or 9, your child is more full of wonder than attitude, and that’s the perfect time to strike.

Before I move on with tips for this talk, there is one disclaimer:

Do not believe for a minute that having “THE TALK” as a single conversation is sufficient.

When it comes to sexuality education, there is no such thing as one or two “talks.” If you’ve explored the Girlology app, you already know that. But we do recognize that lots of parents have the most trouble with that one conversation where intercourse is accurately defined. So, these tips are for that conversation. 

Here are the Girlology tips for having “the sex talk” with your elementary aged child:

• Treat it as a very special “big mystery to life” that you will reveal on a special day, maybe on a birthday or a special trip. Talk it up beforehand so there is some excitement in the air.

• Make it a special discussion, not one that you have when you’re trying to do other things. Set aside some time and quiet place that is free from interruptions.

• Start with eggs, sperm and fertilization. Then, proceed through fetal development and birth. Use pictures to show the sperm, egg, fetus and maybe even of a birth. Animal births are also a great example. 

• End with intercourse…that’s the big mystery. You could ask, “How do you think the sperm and the egg find each other?” When you tell your child how the sperm gets in the woman’s body, you will probably get a crinkled nose or an ewww. That’s ok. Keep it short and simple, because they will be ready to stop talking about it at that point.

• If that seems a bit overwhelming, just watch our class, The Science of Reproduction with your child – – it’s exactly how we present it. 

• Answer all their questions! They come up with some great ones! Keep your sense of humor, and if you don’t know an answer, that’s ok. Try to find it out and get back to them.

• Be sure to remind them it’s not their place to share the story with their friends. Other kids deserve to have their own parents involved in how and when they learn about it.

• Encourage your spouse or child’s other parent to tell your child that he/she knows about the discussion and is also happy to answer questions anytime.

• Check in again after a few days  to see if there are more questions. They need time to process the information and that often raises new questions.

The whole explanation only takes about 15-20 minutes. And that little bit of time can save you hours in backpedaling out of the mess that other kids can cause with their shared versions of the story. 

Once you make it special and keep it positive, your child will be armed with knowledge from a more accurate source than the kid on the playground. And when a kid starts telling the dirty version, yours will know the truth and start recognizing the inaccuracies and embellishments that come with playground chatter.

So take a deep breath and plan your special “big mystery of life” event.

You’ve got this!

Consider joining Girlology for the sex talk help, and stick around for the puberty and mental health help! We offer grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More Here.

I love this time of year. Have you seen the new middle schoolers? 

They look so young and innocent stepping through the school doors. They enter with eyes wide open, brains like sponges, and bodies in such a goofy array of morphing sizes and shapes. Over the next three years, the transitions will be remarkable. 

And I’m not just talking about their bodies. Although body changes may be in the forefront, there’s a new phase of brain growth that begins in puberty. It has huge implications. 

This phase opens up an unparalleled opportunity for nailing down prevention messages. To keep it simple, there are FOUR major brain changes that make it the perfect time. I want to share them with you along with some ways you can use them to your benefit (and ultimately hers).

 

🧠 She’s developing new abilities in reasoning and understanding.

👉🏼 Include her in discussions of complex topics and alternate viewpoints.

 

🧠 She thrives when she takes risks and experiences thrills. 

👉🏼 Encourage healthy risk taking.

 

🧠 Her brain will live in “go” mode without any semblance of reliable “brakes.”

👉🏼 Present her with challenging situations and have her think through options and possible consequences.

 

🧠 She is purging brain “data” that hasn’t been used in a while, and laying down permanent circuits based on things she does, thinks and sees over and over. 

👉🏼 Encourage her to spend time developing skills she hopes to have for life.

 

And I’m just going to put it out there that the second they cross that middle school threshold, prevention messages can be about anything and everything. 

For instance, by middle school, your child knows something about sex whether you’ve discussed it with her or not. She knows what a lot of those explicit song lyrics are referring to. She’s seen or will see some adult content that her friends – real or virtual – are sharing. There’s so much. (If this worries you, I encourage you to watch our Science of Reproduction Class with her to provide her with the facts and start a healthier conversation than she’ll hear at school). 

It’s time to engage her in conversations about ALL of these things.

I don’t mean to overwhelm you. Take it one chat at a time. But, let me reassure you that she WANTS to hear from you (whether she acts like she’s listening or not — she hears you), and now is a perfect time when her brain is primed for prevention messages and middle school culture is offering up lots of new ideas and information.

 

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More HERE. 

Over the years, I have explained the science of reproduction and sexual intercourse to thousands & thousands of young people and their parents. I’ve heard all the questions. I’ve alleviated a lot of anxiety. I’ve eliminated a ton of confusion and reduced awkwardness. But when it came time to share the magical “secret to life” with my own kids…well, let’s just say I’m always learning. 

I shared the information with each of my children in the same way I always have: started with eggs and the flowy landscape of the female reproductive tract, shared pictures of the male body and those cool little sperm, fascinated them with fertilization, fetal development, and birth. Then finally I came back around to exactly how the sperm gets to the egg, and emphasized that all of it depends on consent, trust, and comfort in mature adult relationships. 

So here’s how it went at my house (I had this chat with each of them at age 8– I know, but I explain that HERE):

My oldest (my little scientist) had tons of technical questions like, “How do the sperm know which tube the egg is in?” “What happens to the sperm that don’t get to fertilize the egg?” and “Does sex help with arthritis?” (that’s another story for another time…)

My middle daughter (my creative) replied “ewwww” and asked if she ever had to “do that.” She was relieved to know it would always be up to her, and with that answer, she drifted off to sleep. 

My youngest (my social one) asked no questions. HOWEVER, the next day, she proceeded to educate her entire friend group (even though I told her this was not something to share with her friends). 😅😱 Fortunately, only one mom required a bit of damage control… the others seized the opportunity to have their own talks. Two of them even complimented me on how well my youngest had shared the facts, which is not what usually happens when peers share this type of information (so maybe I was a little proud 😏).

Lesson 1:

Don’t overthink your preparation! You’ll never predict what they’ll ask or how they’ll respond!

Lesson 2:

Each child will respond differently, so don’t get too complacent – just consider it a great way to stay fresh and nimble in your parenting game. 

Lesson 3: 

Watch out for those youngest children, they have a mind of their own and are wise & confident well beyond their years.

Lesson 4 (learned in retrospect)

Talking with your children early and often about their bodies and being an “askable” parent who is open to talking about sex creates comfort and ease that encourages them (and often their friends) to come to you for advice or accurate answers – about a LOT of stuff! As their trusted go-to, YOU get to hear more about their lives and support them as they make choices (both good and not-so-good) and ultimately develop the skills to live out their values.

 

No matter how old your child is – it’s a great time to start some of these conversations. Join our community and get all the help you need. 

If you need to start with something simple, like anatomy, here’s a great place to start.

If you want to talk about puberty first, go here.

And if you’re ready to explain sex, we’d love to help with THIS class. 

Just get started, and keep talking! We’re here to support you through every age and stage.  

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More HERE. 

In Girlology, we’ve been “preaching” that eight is a great age to explain sex since before our own children were that age. You’d think that as our kids approached eight we might have changed our minds. But actually, Dr. Trish and I decided to practice what we preach (I’ll share those details in another blog soon).

But when I tell other parents eight is great. I get a deer-in-the-headlights stare accompanied by, “But they’re so innocent.” 

I know. 

Yet still, it’s a brilliant idea (it wasn’t our original idea, so I can say that without bragging 😉).

Here’s why…

Their innocence means they have no preconceived ideas about what you’re telling them:

• They’re not embarrassed 
• They haven’t associated sex with anything dirty or shameful (yet)
• They hear it with a sense of awe and wonder instead of attitude and embarrassment that comes with adolescence
• They receive powerful knowledge that protects them from abuse and gives them confidence that they know the truth when the playground chatter starts

And most of all, as their “informant,” you get to set the tone and establish yourself as their go-to expert.

THAT 👏🏽 IS 👏🏽 A 👏🏽 GIFT 👏🏽  that will reward you and them throughout the coming years.

How? Well, much of the shame and embarrassment that’s attached to our discussions about sex and sexuality stems from the way we were informed. 

If we heard about it from a friend in the school bathroom (like I did), or at a sports practice, a sleepover, or in the lunch line, it was likely shared among whispers, giggles, and side-eye glances that rendered it naughty. 

Even if we heard about it from a well-intentioned but uncomfortable and unprepared parent (or gym teacher), it probably felt weird and shameful.

But what if your child’s informant is a totally prepared and matter-of-fact YOU? That means you set the tone – no shame, just age-appropriate, honest, accurate information with some expectations and values tossed in for good measure. 

How do you get to that version of you?

We can help.

If you’re feeling a little hesitant or if you just want someone else to jumpstart the chat for you, There’s no shame in outsourcing some of the science and introductory information. Our on-demand Reproduction class was designed to give children (and parents) the science and medical essentials of sex and reproduction, but it also encourages you to continue the dialogue within the context of your own family values. 

Parents love that we explain everything in medically-accurate yet child-friendly language, and the content creates a strong foundation for those future conversations. 

And because ALL children have questions (really great questions!), we include a downloadable ebook to reinforce what your child learns and to provide our medically-based, mom-approved answers to the most common questions we get from 5th graders. You can watch the class sneak peek here. If you’re a devoted DIYer, we offer lots of other tips that can help prepare you to be the best guide for your children. 

Consider joining our community for the sex talk help, and stick around for the puberty and mental health help! We offer grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More Here.

P.S. Yes, eight is great, but nine is fine, ten is still a win…it’s NEVER too late to start!!