Warm weather is here — it’s time yet again for adventures in hair removal. And maybe this year you have a newbie comrade in the battle of the bush. You’re at Target trying on bathing suits with your 12-year-old daughter and you notice some new hair sprouting around her undies. Or your 13-year-old daughter is sitting Indian-style next to the pool and, lo and behold, there’s moss around her bikini line. How should you best approach a subject that may be awkward for both of you?

Chances are, your tween or teen daughter already has some awareness of pubic hair care, from Tik Tok, discussions with friends, or by observing your anatomy and habits. She may already be be performing some type of grooming on her own. It’s important to talk about safe & effective methods so you can help her avoid ingrown hairs or other uncomfortable outcomes. It’s even MORE important to make sure she’s making this decision based on her own preferences, NOT pressure from others. 

Understandably, many girls want to get rid of unwanted hair that might poke out of a bathing suit, but removing all of the hair down there can cause rashes, ingrown hairs, or skin infections that can become abscesses. Removing all of it can also set her up for irritation from the chronic moisture of sweat and vaginal discharge that has nowhere to go. Besides, there’s a purpose for pubic hair: it reduces friction, protects skin, and helps prevent bacteria from reaching more sensitive areas.

So first of all, pick a time and place that’s private (not at the pool when you first notice it!). Reassure her that “hair down there” is natural and normal — everybody’s got it, and whether or not she wants to do anything about it is a matter of personal preference.

Upon hearing the words “pubic hair,” she might just roll her eyes and run in the other direction. Be patient. Give her some time if she’s not engaged when you first bring it up, but try to find a time to share some of these tips if she wants to do a bit of grooming down there:

Before the task:

• Pick a spot such as the shower or tub — tiny hairs can be hard to clean up.
• Use a hand mirror to check out her anatomy. Trimming blindly can lead to snipping her labia (ouch) or result in removing more hair than she planned.

Trimming:

• It’s easier to trim dry hair.
• Use scissors with blunted edges and that are small enough to maneuver around corners. No pointy nail scissors in this area.
• It’s even safer to use a small electric hair trimmer with a guard over the blades. This offers protection and a uniform length. Do not use an electric razor with rotating heads… ouch!

Shaving:

• Use a new, clean razor. No sharing razors or using a dull one in this area. Pubic hair is thicker and coarser than other body hair requires a sharp blade for clean cuts.
• Clean the skin with soap and water before shaving. Some girls like to soak in a warm bath or shower to soften the hair and reduce irritation to the skin. A little exfoliation before shaving may also help reduce irritation or ingrown hairs.
• Always shave wet.
• If the hair is really long, consider trimming first and shaving second. 
• Always shave in the same direction the hair grows. This will help prevent razor rash and ingrown hairs. Unscented shaving cream or gels may also help lift the hairs off the skin making a close trim easier. 
• Rinse the razor after each swipe.
• Use the other hand to pull the skin tight in areas of loose skin or folds.
• Finish with a splash of cold water and a good unscented lotion or moisturizer that contains vitamin E or aloe.

If she asks about more permanent ways to remove hair, here are a few methods to consider:

Hair removal creams or depilatories: 

These chemically dissolve the hair to the level of the skin (and they’re obviously pretty harsh chemicals – not our favorite). Some girls like this method because it lasts about two weeks, but many more complain about the tingling or burning pain it causes. If your daughter decides to try it, make sure she performs a spot test first in case a reaction develops. Do not use these around the vaginal opening.

Waxing:

Warm wax is applied to the area and covered with a strip of paper. Once the wax cools, the paper is quickly removed, pulling the hair out at the root. This method lasts longer than shaving or depilatories but regrowth can cause irritation and ingrown hairs.

Make sure to go to an experienced aesthetician. Bad burns can occur if the wax is too hot for young girls’ skin. Other methods that pull the hair out from the root include tweezing, sugaring, threading or a tool called an epilator. 

Laser and other permanent hair removal methods

Laser treatments have come a long way, and some are even available for at-home use. Just a word of caution — be wary of these during the teen years, because it’s not uncommon for teens to get a little over-zealous with hair removal, and remember – there’s a purpose for her pubic hair! Plus styles or opinions will probably change over time, and it’s always good to have options. 

Girls will have different opinions about what’s right for them. Just make sure they’re grooming for their own comfort and choice, not because of pressure from anyone else. Hair that bothers you may not bother her, so try not to project your opinions or possible dislike of body hair. It’s important to talk about it so she knows she has options and understands proper methods as well as the pros and cons of each. Most important, make sure she knows whatever she chooses is acceptable. All’s fair in the battle of hair.

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With warmer weather and Spring Breaking, it seems that many of you are thinking about (and stressed about) your daughters’ bathing suits. We get dozens of questions on this topic every year, and the range of questions is as varied as the range of very strong opinions about what is and isn’t ok for girls to wear.

Some of the questions we’ve received recently sum up the recurring themes in the great bathing suit quandaries. I’ve provided some simple, body-positive suggestions that may help (or may not — this is definitely a highly complex and nuanced topic). Let us know how you’re handling these challenges in your home!

She’s hiding her body

“My daughter only wears baggy clothes and insists on a full-cover, black one-piece. Her figure is so cute. How can I help her feel more comfortable with it?”

If she likes baggy clothes and wants a full-coverage bathing suit – great. There’s no need to push her into something more form fitting. It’s particularly common for some girls to want to stay covered when they become aware of their morphing body and aren’t quite ready to show others what’s been going on under those giant T-shirts. It doesn’t necessarily mean she has a body image problem, it may just be a time of adjustment. 

You don’t need to know the reason, just start looking for those black one-piece suits. If you have the means, give her a few options and let her choose one she likes best. Remember that you can’t talk her into loving her body, but you can influence her body acceptance by modeling your own and staying focused on the awesome things her body does instead of how it looks. Also – one last suggestion: telling her that her body is cute won’t help, and can actually hurt by perpetuating our societal knee-jerk that focuses on looks instead of other more important traits.

Her suit is too small

“My daughter put on last year’s bathing suit, and yikes. We need something bigger! How do I tell her without making her self-conscious?”

When our kids grow, it’s normally seen as an exciting event and sign of health, but when girls’ bodies grow in new places during adolescence, why does everyone act so surprised? If you’re worried about telling her, don’t be. She already knows she’s growing. But the way you talk with her about it can change everything. If you can avoid this scenario before she even tries on last year’s suit, do it. Suggest a shopping trip (or order) anticipating that normal growth means a new swimsuit. If she’s standing in front of you spilling out of last year’s suit, stay calm, matter of fact, and leave the ball in her court, “Looks like it could be time for a new suit. What style do you think you want this year?” 

A girl in a woman’s body

“This year, My 12 year old’s body would definitely fit in a women’s size suit, but she still loves to run around and play. Where do we shop for something comfortable and appropriate?”

Thankfully, this solution is more practical and less emotional. Even though she might be perfectly proportioned for the teen suits, skip the teen department and go straight to the women’s department or sporting good stores where there’s a larger variety of options, including tankinis, one-pieces, and even boy-shorts, board shorts, and rash guard tops that also double as great sun-protection. If you’ll be shopping virtually there are some great options at some of the traditional catalog stores like LL Bean and Land’s End. If she still loves to run around and play, she deserves a suit that lets her do that without wedgies or nip slips!

I’m worried she’ll be teased

“My 13 year old daughter is asking for a bikini, but she really doesn’t have the body for it. I want to encourage her body acceptance, but I’m worried that at her age, she will be teased or bullied. What should I do?

This is where parenting tween and teen girls can become excruciatingly challenging. Is our “protection” nothing more than body shaming and judgment? 

My first instinct is to say that the most beautiful bikini body is a happy and confident body – and I believe that with all my heart. But I think we owe our daughters more than “you’re beautiful.” 

At 13, girls are very capable of understanding that as parents, we can feel conflicted about what we want and don’t want for our children. They are also capable of reflecting on choices they make. 

So tell her what you love (her confidence, her style). Tell her what worries you (some people judge others for stupid reasons; some people may sexualize her body and make her feel uncomfortable; she may feel restricted and less free to move around without tugging on her suit). Then get curious without expressing judgment or emotion. Why does she want a bikini? Is there another style she might like to have as well? 

Obviously there’s a delicate balance between helping your daughter feel empowered and helping prepare her for the reality that people can be jerks. You’ve probably said “life’s not fair” before, and this is one more example and a conversation that you’ll need to have again and again as she grows. 

Just make sure she knows that you are her biggest fan no matter what she decides to wear – and if that’s a bikini, then good for her! She is already winning in the body confidence arena.

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This is a kind and very wise community, so if you are having other dilemmas like these, feel free to ask for help in the comments section. We’re here to help each other as we all parent through puberty! 

If you want to keep it in a more private space, our members have access to our private online forum where you can ask anything and get responses from our physicians, mental health experts, and other caring adults. Maybe it’s a great time to join!

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More about joining HERE.