As parents, we work hard to find the right pediatrician for our babies – one that we trust to care for our precious littles and support us as parents. But as our littles become bigs – it may be time to reassess the fit for your family. Lots of wonderful pediatricians transition to teen care beautifully, but sometimes your child may deserve a different provider. 

When my daughter hit 12, and definitely by 13, I expected her to have some “alone time” with her doctor, but the visits went by with me in the room. Honestly, it didn’t bother me too much. I mean, she had ME. I was talking with her about ALL.THE.THINGS, and I’m pretty sure her pediatrician knew that..  

But at the 14 year old visit (high school, right?), her doctor asked her all the questions about depression, sexual activity, and substance use IN FRONT OF ME. 🙅🏻‍♀️😶 

I have to say I was not happy. As a teen, my daughter deserves to have confidential conversations with a doctor SHE trusts. Ignoring the importance of confidentiality is not the way to build trust with tweens and teens. And trust ME – they need as many trusted adults as they can find (have I said trust enough?).

Many parents might believe they SHOULD be present for those questions, but we know in adolescent medicine that it’s not a good idea. We’ve all had too many discussions with absolutely great kids who were not being honest with their parent about things like vaping, alcohol, sex, or even their depression and anxiety symptoms.

As a mom, I know we don’t want to think about our kids hiding their risky behaviors or deep feelings from us, but sometimes they just do.

They don’t want to disappoint us. 

They don’t want to get in trouble. 

They don’t want another lecture.

They don’t think it’s a big deal.

But here’s the thing about confidential medical care: when a healthcare provider ensures confidentiality and can have a heart to heart talk with them, they open up and are amazingly honest. And I’ve never met a healthcare provider for teens that wasn’t dead set on helping them follow a path toward safety and wellness. We’re all on the same team. (Btw, if a young person discloses thoughts or behaviors that are life-threatening for themself or others, doctors are required to report that to a parent and/or the appropriate authorities). 

So – back to my story… 

I asked my daughter if she thought most teens give honest answers when they were asked those questions in front of a parent. 

She just 😂🤣🤭.

So, for her 15 year old check up, I took her to her new pediatrician. Her new doc spent a chunk of time with us together, gathering medical history and asking about my concerns, then she said BUH BYE 👋🏼 to me, and whisked my girl off for a separate chat, making her feel confident about her confidentiality.

On the way home, of course I asked what they talked about. 

Her reply? 

“That was between me and Dr Natalie. I don’t have to tell you.” (btw – that’s SO 15!). 

Perfect answer. I trust that I’ll be informed if there are serious concerns, but now, I know my teen has a trusted healthcare provider she can confide in, and I know she’ll get advice that is focused on helping her stay safe, informed, and healthy.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. ✅

Did you know Girlology offers grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on ALL.THE.TOPICS she should be talking with her doctor about! Learn More Here.

I’m going to borrow a phrase from Oprah and tell you one thing I know for sure:

Our kids do better in those really sticky situations when they’ve had some time to think about how they might respond before they face that challenge.

When they have time to process a potential struggle before it smacks them in the face, they react in a way that is less impulsive, and they make better choices. The biggest challenge is knowing what challenges are ahead.

That’s where you come in.

You have to get real about the stuff they may encounter. 

It may not sound like rocket science, but it really is proven brain science (and it’s great parenting advice). 

As a physician, it’s the reason I take extra time with every adolescent patient to mention things they are likely to encounter and ask them to consider how they would handle it – whether it’s side effects from a medication or someone handing them a vape. 

Why?

Despite its reputation for drama and impulsivity, the adolescent brain is a remarkable organ. When you present an adolescent with a challenging scenario, [not to scare you, but think vaping, sexting, porn, shoplifting, alcohol, even making mean comments on social media] they are very skilled at creative problem solving –  as long as they’re in a calm setting. However, when emotions or peer pressures are high, their critical thinking skills tank. They desperately need opportunities to practice engaging their brain when they’re calm.

Your Job

So, as the adult, you don’t need to give them solutions. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Just have a calm conversation about a challenge that might come up for them. Set the scene. Make it sound realistic. Let your child come up with the solutions – and just listen. Stay curious by asking “what then?” questions, but resist the urge to problem-solve for them.

They’ll be more prepared for performing in a pickle and their solutions will stick. When they think it up, they remember it better than remembering what you told them to do.

And don’t worry that talking about scary behaviors will give them new ideas to go out and try— that’s not how it works. There’s research evidence to prove that talking about sex or substances with your kids does NOT make them go out and try it.

If you need a softer start

If the tougher topics seem too daunting for now, you can start with other really easy stuff – like, “What will you do when you get your first period?” Or, “What would you do if you started your period at school and didn’t have any period products?” Or, “What can you say when you hear one of your friends talking mean about someone?”

Just start somewhere

More processing.

Less anxiety and drama.

I promise, it works.

Speaking of an easy topic like periods…if you’re wondering if her first period is close – we can help you with that in this tip “How to predict her first period.” And then if its close – don’t forget our 30- page free ebook for her – it covers ALL THE THINGS she needs to know when she starts her period. It’s called, You Got IT, and it’s available to all members.

Ready to become a Girlology member? Learn More HERE.