No matter what age or gender your child is… the holidays are a great time to help her (and your family / friends) understand and model giving and receiving CONSENT.
When most parents hear us mention CONSENT, they assume we’re talking about teens and sexual activity, but our children get messages about consent and boundaries at EVERY age as they see it being modeled — or not. It doesn’t take deep conversations; it’s all about showing them (and helping the adults and other children around them participate, too).
Why does it matter if she’s still young? When we make an effort to model consent in our own family,
- our children grow up feeling more agency over their own bodies,
- they develop important communication skills,
- and they (and the adults around them) also learn to manage the emotions that may come with rejection.
These are all essential skills that improve their ability to be in safe and healthy relationships – in childhood and beyond.
SO, if you’re ready to start buildling the foundation, here are 2 tips for creating a culture of consent in your circle of family & friends.
1. SHOW them what it looks like to respect the word “NO” – not just when it comes from YOU.
If they’re going to grow up believing that “no means no,” they have to SEE it in action. So, whenever a child says NO or STOP, you stop, and you hold everyone accountable to do the same — including siblings.
Establishing strict enforcement around the word “no” teaches kids that their voice matters, and it also models respecting each others’ boundaries. There are a lot of places you can apply this at home, but one easy example is around tickling. So many kids love to be tickled…. until they don’t… (I’m looking at all your fun uncles here!).
So, the first time she says STOP, no matter how giggly it comes out, make sure all tickling stops. immediately.
Another example is around food. If you want a french fry – don’t just snag one. ASK. And then RESPECT her answer. You want her to experience having her voice heard and that it matters.
2. Acknowledge boundaries by ASKING PERMISSION –
As parents, it’s easy to lose sight of privacy and boundaries with our children because we’ve cared for them since birth. But as children become more independent, we need to see them as individuals who deserve body autonomy and the right to privacy — that means we ASK before doing things like…
Walking into their room without knocking
Looking through their backpack
Posting their photo on line
And MOST IMPORTANTLY- giving or demanding physical affection.
Let me expand on that one for a second because …. I’m a hugger, and I catch myself throwing my arms around my daughter’s friends without asking – so I’m working on this one myself, but it happens all the time with kids – grown ups say “Give me a hug” or “go kiss your grandmother goodbye.”
I know, it seems so harmless, but all it does is make kids the object of someone else’s desires and it gives them no choice except to comply or be rude.
So when you start asking permission, make sure you’re also offering respectful replies. Here’s what that can look like:
“Can I check your backpack? NO? Ok, we can look through it together or you can check it.”
“Can I post this picture of you on facebook? No? I respect that.”
“Do you wanna kiss grandma goodbye? NO? How about a high five or just a wave?”
Respecting kids boundaries teaches them that theycan say no, but still show affection in other ways or find common ground that feels more comfortable.
Children deserve to feel agency over their own bodies and they need space to practice the communication skills that make them feel respected and safe in relationships. The best way to make this happen is to start at home and at family gatherings. If you need to have a quick pow wow with family members beforehand – do it; or share this blog with them to start the conversation.
Happy gathering!
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