In the past week, I’ve heard the term “detox” from three highly intelligent people whom I fear have been bamboozled by the wellness industry. They were spending money on teas, supplements, and meal plans to jumpstart their new year with a “cleansing.” One was detoxing with her adolescent daughter (which could actually create toxicity by encouraging restrictive eating).

There are a lot of ways I could have replied to that, but I took a deep breath and just shared MY favorite detox pointers.

• There is no supplement, diet, or drink that will detox her body better than her own liver and kidneys. 
• Her liver and kidneys can use some detox support, but it doesn’t come from herbs or liquid diets.
• The best ways to detox her body and support her natural detoxing organs are to help her establish healthy habits around sleep, movement, nutrition, and emotional coping. 

I know. An herbal tea would be so much easier. 

But if the new year is motivating you to create positive change in your life, it’s a great time to take an assessment and make a plan together. If you truly want to help her detox from things that are harming her or holding her back, here are 4 sure ways to do that:

• Help her detox from unhealthy friendships
• • • As our daughters leave childhood behind, it’s common for their friendships to shift. Help her understand that “friends” that don’t make her feel respected, heard, or cared for, are not true friends. Many of the mental health issues that affect adolescent girls stem from friendship (or “frenemy”) challenges. 
    • To detox from unhealthy friendships, start conversations about what she needs and hopes for as she makes new friends or carries old friends into the new year and beyond. 
    • Normalize friendship “break ups” as sometimes necessary and liberating. 
    • And help her learn how to be a good friend to others. If you’d like help with this, our Friendship Matters class and workbook, are great resources and conversation guides. 

• Help her edit her social media influences to boost the positive and reduce the negative

• • Encourage her to unfollow accounts that leave her feeling like she’s not good enough or thin enough or popular enough. Instead, simply adding 2-3 new accounts that are uplifting or inspiring can help boost her confidence and happiness.
  • Self-criticism is clearly toxic, but self-acceptance requires practice. For tips on HOW to start that practice, THIS Girlology TV episode offers great information!
    

• Talk with her about avoiding known toxins like vaping and other substance use. 

• • The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends we talk with our kids about substance use starting at age 11. Substance use disorder experts say 9 is a better age. Either way – there are age appropriate chats you can have at any age.
  • Even though we think our kids KNOW better than to vape, try alcohol, or eat THC gummies, our kids gather a LOT of ideas from what they see in their families and communities.
  • If you have kids or teens, do not keep pain meds or other unneeded prescription medications in your home. Here’s why and how.
  • Make sure your kids know not to consume any “candy” that they find or that someone gives them without checking with you. From marijuana gummies to fentanyl, accidental ingestion of substances by children and teens has skyrocketed over the past few years resulting in vastly higher rates of emergency room visits, overdose treatments, and deaths. 

• Reduce her exposure to environmental toxins 

• • This sounds overwhelming, but most environmental toxins are attributed to exposures that are not that difficult to avoid or remove. Simple changes, like eliminating plastic food storage containers, changing air filters, and washing hands can have a big impact.
  • Check out THIS TIP For more information on WHY this matters (especially for girls) and other ways to reduce her exposures.

So, forget the herbal teas, the sweatboxes, and restrictive diets. The best detoxes happen when we rid ourselves of unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, unrealistic influences, and known threats to our health.

Cheers to a safe and healthy year ahead. We’re here to help all along the way.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More HERE. 

With warmer weather and Spring Breaking, it seems that many of you are thinking about (and stressed about) your daughters’ bathing suits. We get dozens of questions on this topic every year, and the range of questions is as varied as the range of very strong opinions about what is and isn’t ok for girls to wear.

Some of the questions we’ve received recently sum up the recurring themes in the great bathing suit quandaries. I’ve provided some simple, body-positive suggestions that may help (or may not — this is definitely a highly complex and nuanced topic). Let us know how you’re handling these challenges in your home!

She’s hiding her body

“My daughter only wears baggy clothes and insists on a full-cover, black one-piece. Her figure is so cute. How can I help her feel more comfortable with it?”

If she likes baggy clothes and wants a full-coverage bathing suit – great. There’s no need to push her into something more form fitting. It’s particularly common for some girls to want to stay covered when they become aware of their morphing body and aren’t quite ready to show others what’s been going on under those giant T-shirts. It doesn’t necessarily mean she has a body image problem, it may just be a time of adjustment. 

You don’t need to know the reason, just start looking for those black one-piece suits. If you have the means, give her a few options and let her choose one she likes best. Remember that you can’t talk her into loving her body, but you can influence her body acceptance by modeling your own and staying focused on the awesome things her body does instead of how it looks. Also – one last suggestion: telling her that her body is cute won’t help, and can actually hurt by perpetuating our societal knee-jerk that focuses on looks instead of other more important traits.

Her suit is too small

“My daughter put on last year’s bathing suit, and yikes. We need something bigger! How do I tell her without making her self-conscious?”

When our kids grow, it’s normally seen as an exciting event and sign of health, but when girls’ bodies grow in new places during adolescence, why does everyone act so surprised? If you’re worried about telling her, don’t be. She already knows she’s growing. But the way you talk with her about it can change everything. If you can avoid this scenario before she even tries on last year’s suit, do it. Suggest a shopping trip (or order) anticipating that normal growth means a new swimsuit. If she’s standing in front of you spilling out of last year’s suit, stay calm, matter of fact, and leave the ball in her court, “Looks like it could be time for a new suit. What style do you think you want this year?” 

A girl in a woman’s body

“This year, My 12 year old’s body would definitely fit in a women’s size suit, but she still loves to run around and play. Where do we shop for something comfortable and appropriate?”

Thankfully, this solution is more practical and less emotional. Even though she might be perfectly proportioned for the teen suits, skip the teen department and go straight to the women’s department or sporting good stores where there’s a larger variety of options, including tankinis, one-pieces, and even boy-shorts, board shorts, and rash guard tops that also double as great sun-protection. If you’ll be shopping virtually there are some great options at some of the traditional catalog stores like LL Bean and Land’s End. If she still loves to run around and play, she deserves a suit that lets her do that without wedgies or nip slips!

I’m worried she’ll be teased

“My 13 year old daughter is asking for a bikini, but she really doesn’t have the body for it. I want to encourage her body acceptance, but I’m worried that at her age, she will be teased or bullied. What should I do?

This is where parenting tween and teen girls can become excruciatingly challenging. Is our “protection” nothing more than body shaming and judgment? 

My first instinct is to say that the most beautiful bikini body is a happy and confident body – and I believe that with all my heart. But I think we owe our daughters more than “you’re beautiful.” 

At 13, girls are very capable of understanding that as parents, we can feel conflicted about what we want and don’t want for our children. They are also capable of reflecting on choices they make. 

So tell her what you love (her confidence, her style). Tell her what worries you (some people judge others for stupid reasons; some people may sexualize her body and make her feel uncomfortable; she may feel restricted and less free to move around without tugging on her suit). Then get curious without expressing judgment or emotion. Why does she want a bikini? Is there another style she might like to have as well? 

Obviously there’s a delicate balance between helping your daughter feel empowered and helping prepare her for the reality that people can be jerks. You’ve probably said “life’s not fair” before, and this is one more example and a conversation that you’ll need to have again and again as she grows. 

Just make sure she knows that you are her biggest fan no matter what she decides to wear – and if that’s a bikini, then good for her! She is already winning in the body confidence arena.

______

This is a kind and very wise community, so if you are having other dilemmas like these, feel free to ask for help in the comments section. We’re here to help each other as we all parent through puberty! 

If you want to keep it in a more private space, our members have access to our private online forum where you can ask anything and get responses from our physicians, mental health experts, and other caring adults. Maybe it’s a great time to join!

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More about joining HERE. 

When I was in the 4th grade, I got called “Nipsey Russell” by the boys in my class (I’m dating myself, but Nipsey Russel was a TV comedian waaaayyyy back in the day). Obviously, my attempts to hide my budding breasts under baggy shirts wasn’t working, and I finally caved to my mother’s insistence that she take me bra shopping (she had been repeatedly suggesting it, and I had been repeatedly refusing).

I’m not sure which was worse, the name-calling or the bra shopping. 😂 

As my sweet mother walked me into the lingerie department of our local Macy’s and announced (out loud!) that I needed a bra, I turned away and pretended I wasn’t with her. THEN, the bra-lady came at me with a long yellow tape measure, staring at my chest and reaching toward my tiny breasts.

I was mortified. 😳

 👉 Do you remember the awkwardness of your changing body?  

We hear from a lot of moms that their daughter needs a bra, but she’s resistant. If this sounds familiar, I’m happy to let you know there are better ways to get through this transition.

Here are 4 things you can try: 

1. Be the bra fairy.

Just buy some and leave them in her room. Sometimes she’s just resistant to the public shopping experience. 

Pick out a variety of styles and a couple of sizes, and leave them on her dresser (maybe include a note that says “please do not remove the tags!” so you can return the ones she doesn’t like). Ask her what she thinks of them, but don’t be hurt if she’s not appreciative. Just having them available will help her try them when she’s ready.

A good selection might include 

• A cami with a built-in shelf bra (offers support but doesn’t “look” like a bra)
• Some with “modesty pads”
• Some without the padding
• Front hook and back hook options
• Pull-over sports-type bras

2. Normalize breast growth.

Her resistance may be related to feeling self-conscious about her changing body and not wanting to draw any attention to it. Acknowledge her discomfort but normalize her healthy growth and provide reassurance that it takes time to grow comfortable with our changing bodies. Stay as matter of fact as you can, and remind her that her body is doing what it is supposed to do.

3. Point out the Perks

Bras aren’t just utilitarian undergarments, there are lots of reasons girls choose to wear bras. Remind her that a bra can help with these things: 

Comfort – as uncomfortable as they might seem at first, a comfy bra can actually make growing breasts feel less tender because they hold them snug to her chest and keep them from jiggling.

Privacy – many girls who are resistant to bras feel that way because they don’t want anyone to know their breasts are growing, and if their bra shows through their shirt, “others will know.” If this sounds like your daughter (it was definitely one of mine), remind her that a bra can actually give her more privacy – by preventing her budding nipples from showing through her clothes or allowing privacy if she needs to change clothes in front of her friends.

Style – whether or not she needs a bra for support or privacy, she might just enjoy wearing something cute or trendy. Camis (with a built-in bra) can fill the need for style and function.  

4. Make it her choice

Finally, reassure her that wearing a bra is her choice to make. There are countries all over the globe where bras are rare or absent. However, adolescence in the U.S. is tough territory full of self-consciousness, teasing, pressures to conform, dress codes, and societal expectations. Each child’s experience and support will be different, but one thing we hope all girls learn is that they should never let embarrassment keep them from feeling more comfortable, nor should they ever feel any shame related to their changing body.

For our members, if you want to share some of these tips with your girl, have her watch THIS quick video made especially for young girls.

If you want some tips on shopping for her first bra, we’ve got help for you HERE.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More HERE. 

My latest Target run reminds me it’s Valentine’s Season. How’s that going at your house?

Remember the days of carefully decorating a shoe box for collecting so much Valentine’s love? 💕📬 Sometimes I wish that tradition continued into middle school & high school because our preteen and teen kids NEED to feel some love from their peers.  

This isn’t just my mama-bear opinion, it’s a research proven need —something we call a developmental milestone.

For young children, developmental milestones are mostly physical – sitting up, walking, hopping on one foot. For teens, the milestones are cerebral 🧠 and related to their arduous journey of self-discovery. 

So why am I bringing this up around Valentine’s day?

One of the biggest milestones for young teens is getting an affirmative answer to a question that also tends to come up on V-Day:

✅  Am I lovable?

I can already hear you answering, 🗣💕 “Of course, she’s lovable!” But the answer can’t come from you. She has to answer it herself. And with that, there’s some GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS.

Bad news first.  

As much as you and other adults may love her unconditionally (and that is the essential foundation on which all this other lovable-ness is built), feeling loved by the grown-ups in her life won’t check this particular box for her. She needs to feel lovable from her peers.

Now for the good news.

It doesn’t require a Valentine for her to discover she’s lovable. 

💘 Sometimes it can come from that one best friend who likes her for exactly who she is (her friendships with other girls are really important for learning things like negotiation and boundaries).

💘 Sometimes it’s as simple as getting the “label” of being someone’s “special person” – even if they only “go out” for a day (so don’t sweat “young romance;” they’re usually more interested in the label than in the “relationship”).

💘 Sometimes it’s being the subject of someone else’s crush (even if she just hears it through her best friends’ older sister’s boyfriend’s little brother). 

💘 And yes, some kids are so comfortable in their own skin that they never question their lovability among their peers. These kids get to hit the “easy” button and move on to their next milestone.

So whether she’s looking for affirmations from her Galentines or a Valentine, remember that this is all part of the healthy and normal business of adolescent development. 

But if she’s struggling with her Galentines, we have tips to help her with friendships in our Friendship Matters Class and workbook.

If she’s sad that she doesn’t have a Valentine, have her watch this Tip on the key ingredient to healthy romantic relationships in the future – there’s LOTS of hope ahead!  

XOXO

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More 

 As parents, we may cringe inside at the first sight of pimples on that sweet little face and want to jump to her rescue, but parenting through puberty is such a balancing act.

• Do you say anything or not? 
• Do you just leave some acne wash by her sink and hope she discovers it?
• Do you calmly suggest a skin care routine without letting your eyes stray to her pimples?

You desperately want to help her avoid the self-esteem impact of acne, but you also need to avoid the emotional crisis that could erupt by pointing out her skin flaws. 🌋

As a mom, I’ve walked on those eggshells. But as I began to apply my doctoring skills at home, things got a little easier.

Here’s a Pro-tip: As a doctor for adolescents, we’re trained to make observations and ask questions non-judgmentally. If we let our emotions show – like awkwardness, worry, or reluctance – they absorb those emotions, magnify them, and often add a dash of anger to the whole situation. But when we stay calm and non-judgmental with our voice and our body language, they respond to us with more honesty and less angst (this applies to ANY discussions with adolescents, and it takes a lot of practice!).

Back to her skin: When it comes to adolescent acne, there’s a progression that’s pretty typical as puberty begins:

• oily skin,
• blackheads,
• pimples
• then, some progress into full-blown acne, some don’t.

So, you know it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Gee thanks, hormones. 🙄

How do you have the conversation? 

Try something like this, “I notice you have some blackheads and a few pimples. Do they bother you?” The key is showing NO emotion or facial expression to indicate pity, concern, or worry. In this type of situation, if you can be like a blank piece of paper with a Yes or No checkbox ✅ you’ll be less likely to set off an emotional melt-down. 

If her answer is a solid “No” or she seems totally clueless, just move on and make no other comments other than something along the lines of, “Cool, if that changes, just let me know.” If SHE isn’t bothered by her skin issues, there’s no point in YOU trying to make her follow a skin care routine. She has no motivation, and she’ll think your suggestions are annoying or insulting.

If her answer is anything else, “Sort of,” “Not really,” “A little,” or (as my drama-tween answered, “Omigosh YES!!! Is it horrible?!” then she’ll be more willing to listen and actually follow some steps to manage her new skin changes. 

When that time is here, there are very simple and effective skin care routines that work well. You don’t need expensive products or a long checklist of steps. For our favorite dermatologist recommended treatments, members can check out these resources:

For parents: Acne Do’s and Don’ts: Tips & Tricks from a Dermatologist

For parents and girls: Best tips for managing acne when it first starts!

For girls: Essential Skin Care

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More 

If you were to take a few minutes before bed every night for a week to ponder and write down “Three Good Things” from your day, research says you’d experience an increase in happiness, hope, and optimism. If you were to stick with it longer, you’d grow resilience and you might also boost your immune system. Sound too good to be true? Three Good Things is one of the most well-known and well-studied tools of positive psychology. 

Seems like we should get our kids on board with it, right? 

So I tried.

When my kids were still in elementary school, we would do something similar at the dinner table every evening. We started each dinner by asking each person tell three good things from their day. We could hardly keep each of our girls from interrupting each other with their joyous lists of daily highlights. 🤗

Then came adolescence, and suddenly, our happy habit was “stupid” or met with silent, squinty glares. 🙄

Our forced family happiness exercise was ruining our family dinners. 

You know what else ruins a family dinner? 

The natural conversations that flow when dinner starts off with sighs and eye rolls over a happiness exercise. Next thing you know, you’re bringing up bad grades, forgotten chores, dirty rooms, and screen time.

Who wants to sit at that table? 😠😫😔

Eventually, everyone will be looking for a way out, and it becomes way too easy to let them all skip the dinner table and eat on their own schedules.

So, if you have adolescents, it’s time to be more strategic about meal time as well as the moods they may bring to the table. To help, I have two very simple recommendations:  

1.) Make the dinner table a place where the adults are not allowed to make any negative comments or observations. If the kids bring up emotionally charged topics. This is your chance to practice the 5 tips we shared in our Girlology TV episode on puberty, moods & attitudes. Members can watch it HERE.

2). Make eating together a priority whenever you can, because shared mealtime PROTECTS our kids from many of the things we worry about. Like what? Depression, disordered eating, unhealthy risk taking and it BOOSTS a lot of qualities we hope for, like self esteem, vocabulary, and even academic performance. Members can learn more about the benefits of shared mealtimes in our tip, Family Meals are Good Medicine. Even a couple times a week helps, and the meal doesn’t always have to be dinner! 

What works for you and your kids at mealtimes? Let us know in the comments! 🍴🥗🍕🍛🧇

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More HERE. 

Last week, the US Preventive Services Health Task Force released a new recommendation for screening ALL children ages 8-18 for anxiety. Honestly, I wish the publicity folks had done a better job emphasizing that the screen is for Anxiety DISORDER because using the term “anxiety” implies that it is both uncommon and bad. 

It’s neither. 

The truth is, everyone experiences anxiety, and anxiety itself isn’t bad; it is a protective mechanism.

But an untreated anxiety disorder is damaging — physically, mentally, and often over years or even a lifetime. Right now, anxiety disorders among youth have reached a point where public health experts are worried. 

Even without a pandemic, there has always been a lot of pressure on young people – pressure to excel at everything, to look a certain way, to be social, to be active, to stand out, to blend in. 

It’s tough enough feeling that pressure every day in school or afterschool activities; but unlike their parents’ generation, young people today rarely get a break from it. So many of them carry it into their private time on their phones and screens – all day, all night. Today, girls have more anxiety than ever. 

And let me just confirm that anxiety is really tricky – for our girls and for us as parents.

• We want to protect our daughters, so we try to help them avoid things that make them anxious.????
• We want to be their sounding board, but sometimes their anxiety makes us anxious. 😥
• We want to help, but sometimes we aren’t doing them any favors. In fact, we can really make it worse. Been there. Done that. 🙋🏻‍♀️

The toughest thing about anxiety is recognizing the delicate balance between normal anxiety that motivates her or protects her from harm, and the type of anxiety that can creep into her life to alter her behaviors, disrupt her relationships, slow her progress, or downright paralyze her. That’s when it becomes a medical diagnosis: anxiety disorder.

Nearly 1 in 3 girls will have symptoms that are diagnostic of an anxiety disorder before they are adults, but up to 80% of them never get treated for it. 

Some of that is related to the stigma around mental health, some of it is lack of awareness, and some of it happens when we fail to help children learn and practice coping skills to help with their big emotions. 

Every girl’s “herstory” is unique and treatment should be based on her specific needs, but there are two things that are absolutely true: 

Untreated anxiety prevents her from living her best life.

Treatments for anxiety (there are many options) are highly effective.

So let’s turn the girls we love from a worrier into a warrior by getting her the help she needs. 💪

What does that look like? It’s an ongoing process, but here are some starting points: 

• Teach her coping skills for dealing with difficult emotions (we do that in our class for young people: Be You)
• Listen more & without judgment (this GTV shares why and how)
• Nurture her self-esteem in meaningful ways (here are 5 quick strategies)
• Model our own healthy emotional coping (deeper dive in THIS GTV episode)
• Talk with her pediatrician if you have concerns (this downloadable checklist may help)

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you through all things puberty and adolescence. Our doctor-moms cover topics like this and lots others! Learn More HERE. 

I don’t want to point fingers, but if you grew up in the 80s or 90s, it’s super likely that you have some weight bias. If you’re not sure what that means, weight bias involves having a negative attitude about yourself or others based on weight or body shape. Sound familiar? 

Honestly, it would be pretty impossible to come out of the jazzercize and buns of steel era without believing that body fat was abhorrent and must be destroyed. All those VHS fitness tapes and super skinny models in Seventeen magazine messed with our heads.

Dealing with our own body issues is tough enough, but how do we handle it if we have concerns about our own child’s weight? And even if we don’t have concerns about their size or weight, how do we help them love and trust their bodies while skipping the self-criticisms? 

We have tips HERE on what you can do (and not do) if you are worried about your child’s weight. But if you want to work on eliminating your own weight bias, you can start by “faking it til you make it” with some of these suggestions.

Stop judging your own body.

Each day as you get dressed, look in the mirror and force yourself to express some gratitude. Your body has helped you do some awesome things. If you see scars, dimples, folds, that you don’t like, recognize that these are all part of your body’s patina and tell the story of its journey.  

Alter your comments.

If you find yourself starting a sentence with “You look….” PAUSE and select a word or phrase that isn’t about physical appearance (pretty, skinny, gorgeous) but carries more importance (happy, confident, prepared, like you’re having fun). 

Don’t say anything.

When you feel yourself about to comment on someone’s size or food choices (even if it’s a whispered comment to your best friend), STOP. Nobody needs to hear that. The more you mute your judgmental comments, the easier it gets to empty them from your thoughts. 

Stop categorizing food as good or bad.

All food is food. Some has more nutritional value. If you child only wants to eat candy and cookies, put out some other more nutritious foods to eat WITH the treats. Villainizing certain foods can increase the risk for secretive eating or restrictive dieting and eating disorders.

Work hard on your role modeling.

Whether it’s enjoying ice cream or moving your body every day, do your best to create healthy behaviors around food and exercise. Show your children that food can be nourishing, comforting, and fun, and we don’t have to punish ourselves for enjoying it. Model moving your body for fun instead of “exercising off what you eat or drink.” When kids have fun moving, they are more likely to become lifelong movers. 

What else has worked for you? Add them to the comments. We’d love to know!

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More