Recently, I invited some girlfriends from college and my young adult years to soak in a lake and the comfort, laughter, and nostalgia of deep-rooted friendships. These are friends I don’t see enough, but we know each others’ histories so well, we always pick up where we left off. They’re also friends who show up with open hearts, no judgment, the perfect playlist, and wine!

As we caught up on the usual topics (with an extra dose of aging parent challenges and teen drama this year) each of us, in one way or another, mentioned our hopes that our own children will experience friendships like ours to carry them through their own adulting.

I especially thought of my youngest who was in the middle of that awful stage when friend groups begin to shift and some girls choose exclusion over inclusion, and indifferent over kind.

Remember that? Ugh. 🙄

What’s ironic about my girls trip is that I kept hearing that voice in my head reeling off the tips in our Friendship Matters Class and Workbook. I was trying to get away from work for a few days, but it kept creeping in!

Then it dawned on me. 💡

I was actually SEEING the tips put to use as I spent time with these friends.  

In fact, the class and ebook we created for 5th and 6th graders was actually helping ME be a more engaged and attentive friend. 

Although our class also covers things like bullies and crushes, it begins with some essentials for any true friendship. We call them our Friendship F.A.C.T.s, and I think everyone can benefit from remembering them.

To help your daughter understand the essentials of any relationship, help her learn and practice these things:

Feedback: giving feedback that can communicate feelings and needs, as well as receiving feedback with an attitude of learning and growing

Attention: learning to show her interest through her actions, comments, and body language

Cheering: showing support for her friends through thoughtful and encouraging comments

Time: helping her understand that spending time with friends is the best way to strengthen relationships and have more things to talk about

I know it sounds cheesy, but I believe my girls’ trip was more meaningful because I got a refresher on Friendship Matters. (Thankfully, I didn’t have to use any of our tips on bullies or bystander issues!) 

• My feedback was better. 
• My focus was more intentional.
• I had better ways to express my own needs.
• I dove into the activities with greater enthusiasm.

I came home even more excited to remind our members about this class because I realized it’s NOT just for tween girls (well, it IS, but it’s also good for anyone). 

The tips and skills are of universal importance, but they don’t come naturally. 

I hope you’ll watch it with your daughter, download the workbook, and use it as a refresher in your own life because friendships thrive when we’re more intentional, and friendships matter, right? 

Consider joining Girlology for friendship help, and stick around for guidance on puberty, periods, mental health, skin care, body image and more! We offer grade-by-grade video playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others. Learn More Here.

One of my most unforgettable patient encounters happened about 6 years ago and involved a 12 year old. I don’t even remember why she was referred to me, but I’ll never forget how she answered a very routine question I asked: 

Have you had any romantic relationships or crushes?

She answered, “Well, I’m bi-romantic and asexual, so yeah, maybe.” 

I had to stop and think for a second. Then, I replied the same way I often do when an adolescent is sharing something that seems big, “Tell me more about that.” 🤔

She was happy to share. She said she felt attracted to her girlfriends and some boys, and sometimes she just didn’t know who she liked more. Then she clarified that she was not interested in getting physically intimate with any of them. 

She’s attracted to everyone, but doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. How perfect. At 12, it doesn’t get any more normal than that.

Today, our middle schoolers (and beyond) have a robust vocabulary for expressing their feelings about attraction and gender, and they feel pretty darn comfortable talking about it all.

As their trusted adults, we need to make sure we listen and respond to the language they choose. And it’s not just the language of attraction and gender, but even the stages of relationships – “talking,” “hanging out,” “dating,” may not mean what you think they mean – so staying curious and asking for clarity is always a great idea (as long as you remain sincere). 

Pride month inspires a lot of adolescents to enthusiastically celebrate their LGBTQ friends or maybe even share insights about their own emerging sexuality. For parents of kids coming out as gay, bi- or exploring new ideas about gender, it’s common to feel worried or confused, but there is no better time to listen and reassure your child that your love is not dependent on any of those things. 

We know parents worry because we receive a lot of emails – many from those who fully embrace & support their gay friends and colleagues, but when it’s their own kid, there’s hesitation. 

• I’m wondering if this is just a trend?
• I think she’s just looking for attention.
• Is she old enough to even understand that?
• Should I take her seriously?
• What should I say if I disagree?

During adolescence, our kids are pre-programmed to experiment with how they show up, what feels right for them, and who they really are when they’re being true to themselves. And whether straight or gay, they are also exploring their sexuality. Some of them will figure things out faster than others. 

Adolescents evolve. Parental worries shift.

As we transition to our roles as parents of adolescents (instead of children), the most important thing we can do is to stay calm, curious, and non-judgmental. The way they will thrive the most is with you doing a lot of  listening and loving along the way.

The world is full of judgment. Try to be the safe place for your adolescent to land. For LGBTQ youth, their health and safety depend on it. In my video tip, “My Daughter is Gay and I’m Not Ok” I explain more.

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade playlists listing on-demand video and downloadable content to support her and you through the entire journey? Learn More 

My latest Target run reminds me it’s Valentine’s Season. How’s that going at your house?

Remember the days of carefully decorating a shoe box for collecting so much Valentine’s love? 💕📬 Sometimes I wish that tradition continued into middle school & high school because our preteen and teen kids NEED to feel some love from their peers.  

This isn’t just my mama-bear opinion, it’s a research proven need —something we call a developmental milestone.

For young children, developmental milestones are mostly physical – sitting up, walking, hopping on one foot. For teens, the milestones are cerebral 🧠 and related to their arduous journey of self-discovery. 

So why am I bringing this up around Valentine’s day?

One of the biggest milestones for young teens is getting an affirmative answer to a question that also tends to come up on V-Day:

✅  Am I lovable?

I can already hear you answering, 🗣💕 “Of course, she’s lovable!” But the answer can’t come from you. She has to answer it herself. And with that, there’s some GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS.

Bad news first.  

As much as you and other adults may love her unconditionally (and that is the essential foundation on which all this other lovable-ness is built), feeling loved by the grown-ups in her life won’t check this particular box for her. She needs to feel lovable from her peers.

Now for the good news.

It doesn’t require a Valentine for her to discover she’s lovable. 

💘 Sometimes it can come from that one best friend who likes her for exactly who she is (her friendships with other girls are really important for learning things like negotiation and boundaries).

💘 Sometimes it’s as simple as getting the “label” of being someone’s “special person” – even if they only “go out” for a day (so don’t sweat “young romance;” they’re usually more interested in the label than in the “relationship”).

💘 Sometimes it’s being the subject of someone else’s crush (even if she just hears it through her best friends’ older sister’s boyfriend’s little brother). 

💘 And yes, some kids are so comfortable in their own skin that they never question their lovability among their peers. These kids get to hit the “easy” button and move on to their next milestone.

So whether she’s looking for affirmations from her Galentines or a Valentine, remember that this is all part of the healthy and normal business of adolescent development. 

But if she’s struggling with her Galentines, we have tips to help her with friendships in our Friendship Matters Class and workbook.

If she’s sad that she doesn’t have a Valentine, have her watch this Tip on the key ingredient to healthy romantic relationships in the future – there’s LOTS of hope ahead!  

XOXO

Did you know Girlology has grade-by-grade video on demand playlists to support her and you — on topics like this and lots others? Learn More